So here it is, short and sweet.

I spent some time yesterday working on my column. Came home from work today, and spent a few more hours getting it finished, edited, perfect.

Then, when I was trying to fix a photo I was including, I accidentally deleted the whole thing.

It's gone. I have no backup. I have to get up for work at 4:25 am.

So, here are my picks for this week.

That's all I have time for.

I'm really pissed.


Winners in Bold:

Sunday

NYJ at Jacksonville
Miami at New England
Philadelphia at Tennessee
Houston at Indianapolis
Buffalo at Green Bay
Detroit at Dallas
Tampa at Chicago
Cincinnati at Atlanta
Seattle at Arizona
Cleveland at Oakland
New Orleans at NYG
San Francisco at LAC


Sunday Night

Baltimore at Pittsburgh


Monday Night

Kansas City at Denver

I've been feeling a bit under the weather this week, so I wasn't able to post a recap on Tuesday. I'll address last week's bloodbath in my weekly picks column, most likely on Saturday.

In the meantime, we have...


Thursday Night

Minnesota at LAR

This past Sunday, as I was settling in to watch the battle of LA, my wife asked, "Who'd you pick in this one?" I answered, honestly, that as they stand right now, there's probably no team in the league I'd pick to beat the R**s.

So here we are, with a matchup between the top two contenders to represent the NFC in the big game in February.

And I'm not happy.

Minnesota, from what I've seen the past two weeks, is a mess. Against Green Bay in Week Two, they should have lost but got extremely lucky, then should have won in overtime but failed to execute. Then they laid a big egg at home against lowly Buffalo, in a game that was basically over after one quarter. They're banged-up. There's the weird/sad/scary/bad Evererson Griffen saga. I just don't know what to make of them right now.

As for LA, I watched on Sunday as both of their prized free agent CBs, Aquib Talib and Marcus Peters limped off the field. I have no idea what shape those two are in, but this being Thursday Night Football (ugh!), I'm not confident in either player being very effective with so little recovery time.

LA has the personnel up front on defence to really exploit Minnesota's OL deficiencies. Minnesota has the personnel at the receiver positions to really take advantage of LA's CB predicament. It's quite the conundrum as to which team has the advantage here.

When LA has the ball, things get a bit more interesting. Their offence has been clicking on all cylinders thus far. Minnesota definitely has a defensive unit capable of slowing down Goff, Gurley, and the gang. Not having the imposing Griffen in the lineup really hurts Minnesota's chances, though, and gives LA a decided edge.

So, there you have it. Two top teams. Prime time game.

Two banged-up teams, playing on too-short rest.

I feel cheated.

You should too.

Winner: LAR

You have to love the NFL.

No matter how hard they try to suppress all the negative stories, things just have a way of happening that makes Roger Goodell and the rest of the powers-that-be look like a bunch of shitheads.

Take Jameis Winston. I mentioned in an earlier column how the league cut a sweetheart deal with him, suspending him for three games instead of six in a hush-hush move. Well, I guess the Uber driver that he (allegedly) assaulted wasn't too happy about the league's not holding Winston to full account, as she has filed a lawsuit against Winston. In an extra added twist, she is represented by John Clune, the same lawyer who represented Erica Kinsman in her suit against Winston.

In other news, LeSean McCoy's former girlfriend, who has made some very disturbing accusations against the Buffalo RB, held a press conference this week about the investigation. The league is being criticized in many media circles due to its deafening silence on the matter.

And, in a lovely blast from the past, we had a heartwarming story about Ben Roethlisberger trying to follow in Donald Trump's mushroom-steps. Jokes aside, Roethlisberger has a history of questionable conduct with women, and was even suspended by the league (six games, reduced to four, such a Goodell move) for such.

As long as the NFL refuses to take these sorts of incidents seriously, the image of the league will continue to be tarnished, no matter how much it tries to deflect, ignore, and cover up.


Now then, on with the picks.

Winners in Bold:

Sunday

New Orleans at Atlanta
New Orleans is struggling, while Atlanta looked much more organized on offence in Week Two.

Green Bay at Washington
Washington is awful, and Green Bay isn't.

Indianapolis at Philadelphia
Carson Wentz is supposed to play this week, and if he does, he'll be without Alshon Jeffrey, Jay Ajayi, and Darren Sproles. Philly's defence had better put the clamps on Andrew Luck, or the champs could end up 1-2 after this one.

Buffalo at Minnesota
Buffalo might be the worst team in the league; Minnesota is one of the best, even with a couple of starters out.

Oakland at Miami
Miami has looked surprisingly good on both sides of the ball. Perhaps purging the team of assholes like Suh and Landry has helped.

Denver at Baltimore
Baltimore is just banged-up enough on defence that I could see Case Keenum stealing a win on the road.

Cincinnati at Carolina
I can see Cincy's defensve front giving Cam Newton fits, helping the visitors squeak out a close one.

NYG at Houston
Houston's good pass rush and secondary spells trouble for Eli. New York's best hope is if their defence can rise up, get their offence a few extra possessions and hopefully some good field position, and hope that Houston's defence tires.

Tennessee at Jacksonville
The only thing that does Jacksonville in here is if they suffer a letdown after their big win last week.

San Francisco at Kansas City
It'll be interesting to see if San Fran's defence can slow KC down at all. KC hasn't played much defence in the first two weeks. This could be a very entertaining, high-scoring affair.

LAC at LAR
The battle of LA. Philip Rivers and co. should be a good test for Wade Phillips's defence. I'd like the Bolts' chances a whole lot better with Joey Bosa in the lineup.

Dallas at Seattle
Dallas isn't great, but Seattle isn't good. Should be a crap game. Would not watch.

Chicago at Arizona
Arizona might be the worst team in the league; Chicago has one of the better defences.

Sunday Night

New England at Detroit
Detroit has looked mediocre thus far. Once again, as is the case every year, the running game has yet to materialize. New England is still in that early stages of the season mode where they're still figuring out what they have and how they're going to use it to, once again, make a deep playoff run. Much of the talk around New England concerns their acquisition of Josh Gordon. I wouldn't expect to see too much of Gordon right off, but if he could potentially be a huge threat in the passing game down the road.
​​


Monday Night

​Pittsburgh at Tampa
Pittsburgh is a team in turmoil. Their defence hasn't played very well. Tampa's offence is on fire.


​Bonus Coverage

These are the games I'll be watching this week (plus whatever else I have time for):

SF/KC; LAC/LAR; NE/DET; PIT/TB

Thursday Night

New York (J) at Cleveland

​Looking ahead to this game the other day, I was thinking, "I'll probably pick Cleveland in this one."

Makes sense, right? Cleveland has come close in its first two games. Their defence looks really good, particularly at forcing turnovers. And they're playing against a rookie QB in only his third start.

I'm sure many will pick Cleveland. They're probably the favourite (though I don't look at odds unless I'm betting).

I'm sorry; I just can't.

There's a saying that we use around our household when something bad happens to Cleveland: "Well, that's the Brownsiest thing that could have happened. Yeah, that's right; we have a special term we use for just when things go wrong for the B****s. (I can't take credit for this, though; I'm almost positive it's something I heard or read someplace and just latched onto, as one does when something just makes perfect sense.)

And boy, do they go wrong.

Last season alone, when Cleveland went 0-16, six of those defeats were one-score losses. They lost a couple of OT games, including one where they were leading Green Bay by 14 points in the fourth quarter. And I know what you might be thinking, but it was Brett Hundley, not Aaron Rodgers, who executed that comeback. It was the Brownsiest thing that could have happened.

Already this season, we've seen Cleveland lose to Pittsburgh, largely due to a bullshit penalty that the league later admitted should not have been called, and lose to a struggling New Orleans squad, largely due to Cleveland's kicker missing two field goals AND two extra points.

Brownsiest.

Cleveland went hard against New Orleans this past Sunday. Their defence is about pressure. Fatigue on short rest could very well be a factor. Also, Cleveland's offence hasn't been much to look at. Despite being gifted with so many turnovers by the defence, Tyrod Taylor has been inconsistent, and the running game hasn't really materialized yet.

As for New York, Sam Darnold has looked like a rookie at times, making some poor decisions, but he has also shown poise and potential. As well, their defence has played well, particularly their secondary. The team as a whole shows heart, and plays hard for Todd Bowles.

This probably won't be the greatest of games, but it should be competitive. In a close contest, every little thing counts.

Every. Little. Thing.

Cleveland's offending kicker is gone, replaced by one Greg Joseph, in what will be his first regular-season game. In a close game, kicking can be THE difference.

First game. Thursday Night Football. Prime time.

What's the Brownsiest thing that could happen?

Go ahead. Pick Cleveland.

I just can't. Not yet.

Winner: New York


Come back tomorrow for the rest of my Week Three Picks.

It's early. Only two weeks have been played. We've seen the predictable (Buffalo is terrible), the unpredictable (TWO ties!), the downright baffling (Tampa? What's THAT about?!?).

It's a long season though, a long road, and there's lots to figure out. Don't be surprised if one or more of the teams that find themselves winless thus far are celebrating come playoff time, while, for the fans of some of our current undefeated teams, that early season optimism, come winter's chill, will be a faded memory.

As many experts did, I took a bit of a beating this week. I'm not crying, though. In fact, I'm even celebrating some of my losses.

Take Tampa's win over Philly for example. Although I've professed my hatred for Tampa, I have to say that I'm kind of pleased that Ryan Fitzpatrick is playing so lights-out, with back-to-back career days against two top-tier teams. My hope-- and it's not entirely unreasonable-- is that Fitzpatrick's performance will force Tampa to bench the execrable Jameis Winston. Anything that puts Winston one step closer to being out of the league is ok in my book.

So, as I recap Week Two, I try to see the silver lining in the occasional dark cloud. It's all a part of the early season learning curve.


Baltimore at Cincinnati
I discussed this extensively in the intro to my Week Two Picks, but it bears mentioning again that Cincy's defence is really good, and that Baltimore can cancel the parade.

Minnesota at Green Bay
This was a competitive game. It was also extremely odd. Minnesota probably should have lost, but were extremely lucky, especially at near the end of regulation, when a game-clinching Green Bay INT was wiped out by a totally bullshit penalty on Clay Matthews. Then, Minnesota successfully executed the rare successful icing of Mason Crosby to send the game into OT. After this, Minnesota really should have won, but missed two field goals in OT, including a 35-yarder(!) as time expired. That's quite the roller coaster. And the league, for a second straight week, has a tie.

Kansas City at Pittsburgh
Not much defence in this game. All the talk afterwards was about how impressive Patrick Mahomes was, but I'm still not sold. Mahomes wasn't really pressured, and was throwing to wide-open receivers all day. Plus, he was bailed out a few times when his receivers made good catches on off-target throws. While I don't like being wrong with my picks, I do like seeing Pittsburgh lose, so I'm not really unhappy with this outcome. I'll probably have more to say about Pittsburgh in an upcoming column; things are not good there right now, and I'm extremely pleased about that.

New England at Jacksonville
Great victory by New England here. Oh, I know they lost, and looked really mediocre in doing so. I just found it really interesting how unconcerned Bill Belichick seemed about it all. It's early in the season, Belichick is still figuring things out, and he's good at playing the long game. If these two teams meet in the playoffs again, Jacksonville will be overconfident. No team ever won a Superb Owl in September.

New York at Dallas
This was a really awful game, played by two bad teams. Dallas won because they were able to execute a defensive game plan that exploited New York's offensive shortcomings, which are myriad. New York is a puzzling team right now. They used a rare high draft choice on Saquon Barkley (who is immensely talented and versatile), and gave Odell Beckham top dollar, but these two amazing offensive weapons are being rendered useless. I know it's early in the season, but if New York isn't good enough to win now, they'd better find a way to lighten Barkley's workload, or their prized rookie is going to get hurt. (Note: Another pick I whiffed on, but a game I won on anyway. More on that in a bit.)

Seattle at Chicago
Mitchell Trubisky is young and talented. He's not good right now, but he doesn't have to be. Chicago is young and talented, and they have an already good defence with room to be great. This is a team on the rise. Seattle is terrible, with such a dearth of talent that they picked up recently released LB Mychal Kendricks, who is facing serious jail time for insider trading. Such is the state of things for the desperate Pete Carroll, and I could not be more thrilled.

Bonus Coverage

Week Two Player of the Week:  Aldrick Rosas, K, New York G****s
New York had just scored a TD, and Rosas added the extra point to make the score Dallas 20, New York 10, with only 1:27 left in the game. Rosas then executed a successful onside kick, with New York recovering. New York drove to the Dallas 20 yard line, and with time running out, sent Rosas out to try a field goal in order to get New York within seven points. Rosas made the 38-yarder, and the celebration was on. Not in Dallas, but in my living room. See, the over/under prop bet for total field goals in the game was 3.5; Rosas had, with only 11 seconds remaining, by kicking the fourth field goal of the contest, secured a monetary victory for me by satisfying the final requirement of a prop bet parlay that I had played on the game. Congratulations, Aldrick Rosas. I salute you.

Don't forget to check back on Thursday for my Thursday Night Quick Pick.

Have you ever had this happen to you?

You're watching a game, and it's going just the way you want it to. Maybe your team is winning, or a team you hate is losing. Maybe you're participating in some legal sports wagering (if you're into that sort of thing). Then, like a bolt out of the blue, something inexplicable happens, be it poor officiating, poor coaching, poor execution, or a fluke play, and your enjoyment suddenly turns to anxiety.

I mean, who hasn't had this happen, am I right?

So there I was, watching Cincinnati pound Baltimore last night. It was great. Just as I'd predicted, Baltimore was not ready for the step up in competition after having played a wretched Buffalo team on Sunday (what I like to call the "bad team hangover"), and Cincinnati, looking especially poised on offence and positively ravenous on defence, was taking full advantage.

I was really happy that Baltimore was getting pummeled. Every shot of John Harbaugh looking dejected on the sideline was wonderful. I was relaxed. I was thinking about what I might write about today. Things were going about as well as can be expected.

And then, it happened. More to the point, Marvin Lewis happened.

Cincy had just scored to go up 28-7 (!) There was 2:58 left in the half (I thought Cincy should have tried to take more time off the clock on their drive, but that's nitpicking). Baltimore got the ball, had a moderately successful drive, decided to go for it on 4th down on Cincy's 38, and the drive stalled. Cincy got the ball back with 1:22 left in the half. Great. Now all they have to do is call a couple of runs, bleed the clock or Baltimore of its timeouts, and go into the locker room with a three TD lead.

Easy, right?

Nope. Not Marvin's Bengals.

Three pass plays. Three-and-out. Fourteen seconds. FOURTEEN!

Cincy punts; Baltimore gets the ball back with 1:02 left and ALL OF THEIR TIMEOUTS!

"Uh-oh," I thought.

Flacco hits a couple of passes, ticky-tack pass-interference penalty, and next thing you know, it's 28-14.

"Don't you do this to me!"

Thankfully, Cincy's defence played well in the second half, even as the game got frighteningly close at one point, and Baltimore was vanquished. However, the horrible coaching decisions at the end of the first half rattled me so badly that I barely slept last night.

Weird, huh?

(Honestly, I can't imagine what it must be like to actually BE a Cincinnati fan. Marvin Lewis must give them nightmares.)

At any rate, I woke up this morning and decided that this was the only way to purge myself. And in the end, it was a good game, Baltimore lost, and I was right.


So now, let's move on, and get to the rest of this week's picks.

As I'm sure you're all well aware, parts of the eastern US are experiencing severe and dangerous weather due to Hurricane Florence. I hope that everyone in the affected areas are able to get themselves into situations where they are safe and sound. And please, people, don't forget your pets. It's heartbreaking when I hear these stories of abandoned animals. Be safe, everyone.



Winners in Bold:

Week Two

Sunday

Carolina at Atlanta (Note: I've heard rumours of this game being postponed due to storm-related travel issues)
Indianapolis at Washington
Houston at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Tampa
Kansas City at Pittsburgh
Miami at NYJ
LAC at Buffalo
Minnesota at Green Bay
Cleveland at New Orleans
Detroit at San Francisco
Arizona at LAR
New England at Jacksonville (Note: Possibly weather-affected)
Oakland at Denver

Sunday Night Spotlight

NYG at Dallas
Big NFC East matchup here, made more important by the fact that both teams are 0-1. Some might say that I'm foolish for picking against Dallas at home, but hear me out. Dallas's defence had a decent day against Carolina last week, but this was as much due to Carolina's offensive liabilities as anything. Say what you want about New York, but they have talent in the passing game, and Saquon Barkley looks like a real home-run-hitter, who now has one game of regular season experience under his belt. The G****s' offence should prove more than adequately capable of scoring against Dallas's undermanned defence, provided New York can improve on some of its offensive line problems (All together now, G****s fans: "YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOOOOOWWWERRRRSSSS...... AAAANNNNYYYY.... MOOOOORRRE.!) Add to this the fact that Dallas doesn't seem to have much in the reliable receiver department beyond Cole "Hillbilly Edelman" Beasley, and New York should be able to key on stopping Dallas's run game and let their capable secondary handle the rest.

Monday Night
Seattle at Chicago


Bonus Coverage

These are the games I'll be watching this week (plus whatever else I have time for):

​Min/GB; KC/Pit; Ne/Jax; NYG/Dal; Sea/Chi

One of the things that I hate about the NFL is its hypocrisy when it comes to player safety. The league (aided and abetted by sports media) constantly crows about how it is making the game safer, whether it is with new rules, redesigned helmets, or what have you. And yet, the very existence of Thursday Night Football puts the lie to all the league's "players first" posturing. You take two teams full of players who have just played a violent, concussive game on Sunday, and, instead of giving them the standard week to recover, you make them play again on Thursday.

For league exposure.

For TV and ad revenue.

Players first? More like business first.

Players hate Thursday Night Football. Fans should too. It takes a contest between what should be two teams at their best, and waters it down.

Players, and fans, deserve better

Thursday Night

Baltimore at Cincinnati

Another thing that bugs me about Thursday Night Football is that it complicates things when I'm trying to make my pick. Instead of looking at football-related matchups, I have to start factoring in things like fatigue and who played harder on Sunday, and other weird intangibles.

So let's get that out of the way: Cincy had a tougher game, falling behind early and rallying to win in the second half, while Baltimore romped over a terrible Buffalo team, with the R****s resting some starters in the second half.

This is a close matchup, closer than most people believe, I think. Many are touting Baltimore as elite because of how impressive they looked last Sunday, but, I believe that that performance is a mirage; Buffalo is terrible, and terribly-coached, and Baltimore handled them easily as a result. I think the ease of Baltimore's victory could backfire on them. Cincy comes into this contest battle-tested, having faced a surprisingly sharp Andrew Luck, and the B*****s should be feeling confident in their ability to weather some early yips and come back strong. Cincinnati's passing and running (featuring notorious girl-puncher Joe Mixon) games were effective, and that level of competence and balance is something that Baltimore might not be prepared to face. And don't even get me started on Joe Flacco. Baltimore fans have been trying to sell themselves on him for years; I refuse to believe that he's going to have a monster season based on one decent game against a pitiful opponent.

It'll be a close one, but I'm leaning towards the home team

Winner: Cincinnati.

​I never really cared much about the Tampa Bay B********s one way or the other. Then, in 2015, they drafted Jameis Winston, and all that changed.

I actively, fervently, loathe them now.

Anyone who has half a brain knows about Winston. He's a thief. He's a serial asshole. The only reason he wasn't charged with rape while he was in college was because he was a big-time football player. The story about how that rape investigation was botched stinks to high heaven.

In spite of everything that was known about Winston, Tampa Bay drafted him anyway. That's how things are done in the NFL; if you can play, the league will overlook all manner of disgusting behaviour. Since Winston has been in the league, his assholery has continued, unabated. He's started fights on the field. He gave a weirdly sexist speech to a group of elementary school kids (!). He gave a bizarre pep talk to his team before a game (eat a W?!?). 

And, in 2016, he (allegedly) sexually assaulted an Uber driver.

(Please, sports media, stop saying he was suspended for "groping" an Uber driver. It's sexual assault. Stop covering for this idiot.)

In the aftermath of the 2016 incident, Winston lied about it, involved someone else in an attempt to say he wasn't even there, then, once it was proven that he was, he issued the standard scumbag non-apology where a person says they're sorry but not why or for what. Then, in a move that is SO NFL, the league, finding Winston to be in violation of its personal conduct policy, suspended him, but not for the standard six games (remember Ezekiel Elliot?); they suspended him for only three because he agreed not to appeal. 

The whole thing is just too disgusting.

So what is it with this franchise? I have my theories, but I don't want to get into politics too much on this site. It'll have to suffice to say that I call my wacky, baseless theory "The Bay Orange Connection."


So anyway, let's recap Week One.

There's no science to picking games. I don't overthink what looks obvious, obsess a bit more over the close matchups, and hope for some luck. I'm not really big on stats; I'm more interested in how one team matches up against another, and I base my conclusions on as much observable evidence as I can digest. In short, I watch; games, highlights, as much as I can. Afterwards, I try to learn from what I witnessed, and use that to manage my expectations for next week.

So, what did I learn from Week One?

Atlanta at Philadelphia
Philly's defence looked really solid, which will serve them well through any offensive hiccups the team will have under the solid-but-not-spectacular Foles, and the inevitably returning Wentz. Atlanta seems to be struggling with some of the same problems with offensive play-calling that they experienced last season. Their red zone offence was very predicable, and more than anything cost them a winnable game.

Houston at New England
New England looked rock-steady on offence, with Phillip Dorsett looking particularly sharp, while their defence looks much more solid than it did at the beginning of last season. For Houston, Desaun Watson looked rusty, but that's to be expected. Also, Bill O'Brien is up to his tired old schtick, bungling obvious decisions and refusing to take any responsibility. How this guy keeps his job never fails to astound me. Hey Bill; those timeouts don't carry over, and you don't get bonus points for saving them. Timeouts are there to be used, when necessary. Everyone but you seems to know this.

San Francisco at Minnesota
Minnesota looks to be as-advertised. Performed well on both sides of the ball, and, as I alluded in my season preview, Kirk Cousins looks very comfortable, like a guy who finally doesn't have to do it all. Take heart San Fran fans: Garopollo had to lose eventually, and he was facing a top-tier defence. He, and the team, will have better days ahead. Soon.

Kansas City at LAC
Lots of folks raving about KC, and Mahomes. I watched the game. Kid has talent, hit some big plays. Still looks raw. C******s essentially handed them the game. It's been a while since I've seen a team play as sloppily as LA did in this one. Some of it comes down to coaching, but mostly it was just poor execution. Rivers looked great, and could have had three or four TD passes in the first half if not for his recievers' incompetence. Special teams was a mess as well. Things like this shouldn't happen every week. I still think LA takes the division.

Chicago at Green Bay
It's no secret that Mike McCarthy drives me nuts. Green Bay's offensive philosophy under him often seems to be this: call some basic play, and if it doesn't work, Rodgers will "make something happen." Because Rodgers is what he is, it works, but too often, that "something" is Rodgers getting hit and injured, and the team suffering for it. It was interesting to watch Rodgers operate after he returned from his injury; he was deadly efficient, in a scheme that removed the risky elements of the team's so-called offensive plan. There's something to be learned there, but I doubt things will change. Chicago's defence is going to be really something, especially when Khalil Mack really gets going (considering his debut, I shudder to think about it). Now they just need to work on that offensive identity a bit more, and learn how to close out games.

LAR at Oakland
This is the easiest game to analyze. Oakland looked good early, by executing basic plays and getting some tough running from Marshawn Lynch. LA came out flat, which isn't surprising considering the team's new additions, Aaron Donald's holdout, and things like Jared Goff and Brandin Cooks playing together for the first time. In the second half, the R**s got rolling, and Oakland's limitations were exposed, and LA won going away.

In learning, one musn't overlook one's failures either:

Tampa at New Orleans
This was one of three games in week one where I had no doubt as to the outcome. This is, as they say, "...why they play the games on the field and not on paper." I've only seen the highlights, but from what I saw, it didn't look like TB was doing anything special on offence. New Orleans's talented young secondary, such a strength last season, looked like it couldn't do anything right. I have to wonder if that's a coaching/preparation issue. At any rate, giving up that many points isn't a sustainable model of success, even with an offence like New Orleans has.

Tennessee at Miami
Nothing to be learned here. Just a potent reminder that Mother Nature doesn't care about your plans, be they game or other.

Kansas City at LAC
Already covered this. I'll need to see more from KC before I believe they should start planning any parades.

Washington at Arizona
One sucky team beat another sucky team that sucked harder. The Adrian Peterson resurgence won't last, just like it didn't last season.

NYJ at Detroit
Looks like the J**s have found themselves a QB. Also looks like Matt Patricia has found that Detroit isn't New England, and Detroit has found that Matt Patricia isn't Bill Belichick.


Bonus Coverage

Week One Player(s) of the Week: Kenny Stills, Albert Wilson II, Miami:

Check back Thursday for my Thursday Night Quick Pick.

Before I get things under way, I'd like to offer some words of encouragement to the folks who are burning their NIKE gear (and who so generously post their exploits online for our amusement): Please, continue to burn your NIKE gear (and generously post your exploits online for our amusement). Do not donate your overpriced clothing to the homeless and economically disadvantaged veterans who you claim to respect so much. Please, continue to live down to my lowest expectations, as I know you are incapable of rising above, or actually listening, understanding, or caring about other people's struggles. And please, please, PLEASE, continue to start fires as close as possible to your homes, while you fiddle with your camera phones and pontificate your idiotic views. Just ignore that fire. Just do it.

And now, since you've heard quiet enough from me this week, here are some words of wisdom from one of the patron saints of this column, the magnificent Dale Hansen.

​Take it away, Dale; the floor is yours:

And now, this week's picks. Philly won last night, so I'm off to a good start. Winners in bold:

Week One

Sunday

Buffalo at Baltimore
Jacksonville at NYG
Tampa at New Orleans
Houston at New England
San Francisco at Minnesota
Tennessee at Miami
Cincinnati at Indianapolis
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Kansas City at LAC
Seattle at Denver
Dallas at Carolina
Washington at Arizona
Chicago at Green Bay

Monday Night

NYJ at Detroit
LAR at Oakland

Bonus Coverage

These are the games I'll be watching this week (plus whatever else I have time for):

Hou/NE; SF/Min; Chi/GB; LAR/Oak