So here we are again at that special time of year that I both look forward to eagerly and dread horribly. Over the course of the next five months or so, I'll be indulging in one of my guiltiest pleasures. Starting Thursday, and until one fateful day in February, I'll be engaging in my annual tradition: hate-watching the NFL.
Oh, and writing about it, too.
I used to write a picks column on a different site. It was pretty good. I was pretty good. Then I gave it up. I kept watching and enjoying the games, while getting angrier and angrier about it. So last season, after becoming frustrated by yet another stupid thing that a football player did, I reached a sort of breaking point. I missed writing about football, and I needed an outlet for my frustrations about the league. So I came up with the idea for this column. I did it, and I enjoyed it.
So I'm back.
Unlike in the past, when I would follow the NFL practically all year round, for the past few years I mostly ignore it in the offseason, reading the occasional piece every now and then if it catches my attention. Then, in the weeks before the season starts, I ramp things up, taking a good hard look at what went on in the offseason and preseason: things like which players changed teams, which teams changed coaches, what players got in trouble off the field, which teams abused their cheerleaders, which owners had to sell their teams because of sexual misconduct; you know, typical NFL stuff. So, I'm still shaking off the cobwebs, so to speak, on my writing. This first column is a bit rushed, as I'm trying to get a lot done in a relatively short time, while trying to keep my head from exploding and from writing 10,000 words because there's so many awful things that have happened just since last season ended (Especially with teams like Pittsburgh, Dallas, Tampa, and Baltimore, where there's just so much to hate). I'll get to that stuff, plus anything else that comes up, as the season progresses.
This is not a column promoting the league. I'll use the names of the cities where the teams are, as well as the names of the people involved (players, coaches, owners, etc.), but I'll only use expurgated team names. This is a column for people who love watching NFL games, but who are also at least interested in the idea that the league itself, the organization, and the people who comprise it, are not necessarily worthy of our attention, our money, our loyalty.
So, I hope you enjoy my take on things. Be forewarned, however, that I will shit on your team. No team is spared my ire, and no player is immune to criticism. There is a lot about this league, its practices, its policies, and especially its people, that is definitely hate-worthy, and I will be serving up heaping helpings of opinions about the types of things that irk me on a regular basis. Having said that, I give honest analysis, too. If I pick a team, I mean it, and I have reasons for it. I'm open about my biases, when I have them. This may be an NFL-hating column, but it's also a football column, at various times serious, humorous, irreverent, or just angry.
So.
I love watching football.
I hate the NFL.
There you have it.
Welcome.
So let's kick things off with my divisional picks. Teams are listed in order of expected finish. I do this by literally going through every game on the schedule and trying to predict the outcomes based on how good the teams are at the beginning of the season. The number notation that you see next to each team is what I think that team's best case/worst case win total will be for the season. Again, this is based solely on how good I think a team is on day one. So, using Houston as an example, based on their schedule and current personnel, I'd pencil them in for, at best, 12 wins, and at least 9 wins. And, just so we're clear, worst case doesn't include the unforeseen, like injuries, suspensions, alien abductions, and the like. If Deshaun Watson and JJ Watt suffer season-ending injuries, and Tyrann Mathieu gets beamed aboard a spaceship, I can't predict that. No one can.
AFC East
New England (13/10)
New York (8/6)
Miami (8/5)
Buffalo (6/3)
New England: Bob Kraft, by most accounts a nice guy, helped get T***p elected, and that's a stink that doesn't wash off easily. Brady's favourite target is suspended for the first four games for PEDs, and they're thin at wideout, having cruelly banished Danny Amendola to Miami. Lost Dion Lewis and Nate Solder. Only heaven (and Belichick) seem to know what happened to Superb Owl hero-to-zero Malcolm Butler. They'll start slow, there'll be a million experts piping up to say "this is THE END!!!," but until one of the other three losers in this division gets its act together, it'll be another East title and most likely deep playoff run. Massholes rejoice!
New York looked like it was going to tank last season after jettisoning so many of its key players. Swerve: Todd Bowles actually got his charges to play hard, and the team exceeded all expectations. They enter this season with hope, having drafted a QB that many say has all the tools to be a top-tier player. Their best hope for this season is that they don't get said QB mangled while running for his life behind a very questionable offensive line. Such is the way of life for J**s fans; have hope at your peril rooting for this sad-sack franchise.
Miami has one of the worst owners in the league, whose lack of knowledge about how to build a winning franchise is rivaled only by his contempt for his team's players and fans. Ryan Tannehill is back! He'll either stink again, or get injured again and leave the team to be QBed by someone even worse.
Buffalo made the playoffs last season for the first time in forever. It should have been easier than it was, but moron coach Sean McDermott benched Tyrod Taylor, who was playing pretty well, for Nathan Peterman, who promptly threw five INTs in the first half of his first start. A miracle comeback by Cincinnati of all teams fluked the B***s into the postseason anyway. Success! So, what's new this year? Taylor is gone to Cleveland, Buffalo drafted a QB, Peterman is going to be the starter, LeSean McCoy is under investigation for some very serious crimes (but is eligible to play, which is SO NFL), and McDermott is still calling the shots on the field. Welcome to last place.
AFC North
Pittsburgh (13/10)
Baltimore (10/8)
Cincinnati (8/6)
Cleveland (6/3)
This is one of the assholiest divisions in the league, so it's only fitting that the biggest collection of assholes sits atop it. This is one of the teams that I hate the most. From the Rooneys, to the moron QB, to the rest of the cheapshot artists it calls players, the S******s are an impressive collection of human garbage. And they're too cheap to fairly compensate their most productive player, LeVeon Bell, who has upped the ante on his annual holdout. This is good for the rest of the league, because Pittsburgh's running game is basically non-existent without him. I hope he stays out long enough to do serious damage to the team's season, then ends up winning somewhere else (Cincinnati would be hilarious, except Marvin Lewis would probably try to turn him into a punter or something.) Still, Big Ben will put up big numbers throwing bombs to his loaded receiver corps. And hopefully he'll spend a lot of time riding motorcycles.
Joe Flacco is still cashing big cheques based on that one Superb Owl run he had once, even though he gets worse every year. John Harbaugh is one of the whiniest coaches ever; he cries whenever something doesn't go his way (especially when Bill Belichick outsmarts him). Ray Lewis is this city's idea of a hero. The R****s are only good enough to make the playoffs because this is a weak conference.
Cincinnati has hit upon a proven formula for failure, and they have practiced it to perfection. They get rid of their character players, keep the idiots, and keep employing the coach who can't keep discipline or get his team to win a playoff game. It's too bad that Andy Dalton and AJ Green have to waste their careers playing for Marvin Lewis. Fun fact: the B*****s finally won a clutch game last year with playoff implications, helping Buffalo get to the playoffs, and netting a bunch of sweet cash for Dalton's charitable foundation from grateful B***s fans. Congratulations?
Cleveland should field an offence which includes Tyrod Taylor, Jarvis Landry (asshole), and the supremely talented Josh Gordon (FINALLY!). Plus, they have some pretty good talent on the defensive side of the ball. Which means that they should be able to win more than zero games this year, which would be an improvement. I'd hold off on the playoff talk just yet, though. Third place in this division would be pushing it.
AFC South
Houston (12/9)
Jacksonville (12/9)
Tennessee (10/7)
Indianapolis (7/4)
Assuming that Deshaun Watson and JJ Watt stay healthy (big ifs), and with Tyrann Mathieu patrolling Houston's secondary, this should be a big turnaround year for the T****s. Of course, Bill O'Brien usually screws things up. Why am I picking them to finish first?
Oh yeah, Jacksonville. Great defence. One-dimensional offence. Barely beat Buffalo in the playoffs, then almost got beaten by a Pittsburgh team that they were blowing out, then got smoked by New England. Have done nothing but talk since (especially Jalen Ramsey). They won't surprise anyone this year, and the clock is ticking on old man Calais Campbell.
Tennessee picked up some more New Engalnd castoffs in their attempt to create P******s South. Dion Lewis's superior running, pass-catching, and blocking might be a major help to Marcus Mariota. Malcolm Butler was good, but he was coached-up, and his psyche is damaged after his humiliating Superb Owl benching. And Mike Vrabel has never been a head coach before, nor was he a coach under Belichick. Things could be rocky for a while here, but there's potential.
Andrew Luck might be coming back soon. I think. He had a chance to be a great player. Playing for the C***s has ruined him. It'll be interesting to see if he can come back. Too bad the team still stinks.
AFC West
Los Angeles (13/10)
Kansas City (10/8)
Denver (7/5)
Oakland (7/5)
Doesn't it seem like not that long ago that this was one of the deepest divisions in the league? Now, a team like Los Angeles, which looks like it has just enough talent on both sides of the ball (and one really special pass rusher),could very well run away with the division. They'll have to hope they stay healthy, because although there's talent, there's not much depth.
Fans in KC are excited about young, talented QB Patrick Mahomes. The offence looks to have plenty of weapons, but the defence is questionable. Rookie QB, so-so D, and Reid, Andy, means second place.
Denver's defence still has Von Miller, but its best days look to be behind it. Case Keenum is an upgrade at QB, but he excelled last season with a stellar supporting cast and good coaching, which he won't have in Denver. I wonder how holy roller Keenum will get along with his new pervy head coach.
These are dark days in Oakland. The team will be moving to Vegas soon, and their new (old) high-priced head coach and cheapskate/incompetent organization just let Khalil Mack go, essentially telling fans that the team can't win now. Should be a great season. Go R*****s!
AFC Wild Cards: Jacksonville, Tennessee
NFC East
Philadelphia (12/10)
Dallas (9/7)
New York (6/4)
Washington (6/4)
Philadelphia won the Superb Owl, and I couldn't even be mad about it because of guys like Chris Long and Nick Foles. Thank goodness that the Philly fans didn't disappoint, promptly going out and acting like brain-dead hooligans.
Dallas is one of the worst franchises in sports. Jerry Jones is an attention-whore with no moral character who ruins everything he touches. Jason Garrett is actually a decent coach, but he's been hamstrung his entire career because of Jerry's meddling. Now Jerry is threatening to ruin Dak Prescott, turning him into a soulless company man. Ezekiel Elliot is back for probably the whole season. He's really good (and an asshole), but he and Prescott will have it tougher playing behind a weaker offensive line (thanks in part to Travis Frederick's illness). Jason Witten retired, Dez is gone, but Cole "Hillbilly Edelman" Beasley is still there. Best player on defence, Sean Lee, is made of porcelain, and there's not much else.
Hey, G****s fans; did you know that the J**s are the kings of Football New York now? How does that feel? Congratulations on drafting a RB in the first round. Teams hardly ever do that anymore, but I'm sure it'll work out fine. Oh, and great job overpaying for Nate Solder. Is Dante Scarnecchia going to be coaching him, too? Also, Odell Beckham Jr. is a really special player, who, seriously, earned the right to sign that big contract. Now that he doesn't have to worry about that, he can focus on important things like TD celebrations. I look forward to OBJ pantomiming taking a shit on the field really soon. Also, Eli Manning.
Washington. Your team name is a horrible racist slur, and your owner is racist human garbage (and a wannabe pimp to boot). You wouldn't pay Kirk Cousins, but you would pay Alex Smith. I hope Cousins has a great year winning in Minnesota, while your horrible racist fans watch another hopeless losing season.
NFC North
Minnesota (13/11)
Green Bay (13/10)
Chicago (7/5)
Detroit (7/5)
Minnesota did great last season. If anything, they'll be better this season. Kirk Cousins should be an upgrade at QB, as his stellar supporting offensive weapons will take a lot of presssure off him. Offensive line could be a problem, but it's a manageable one. Defence is deep and talented.
Aaron Rodgers got paid. Good for him. His contract will keep Green Bay from putting any good players around him (like Khalil Mack, for example), but that's all right. See, you don't have to be a winner to be a rich athlete. It's more about image. Danica Patrick is a rich "athlete," and she isn't even any good. One of the terrible ironies about this team is that terrible coach Mike McCarthy only keeps his job because Rodgers makes them a winner (seriously, the team absolutely TANKS when he's hurt, which is often), but the team's success (and therefore Rodgers's legacy) has been held back because of McCarthy's terrible coaching. And now Rodgers's contract will hamstring the franchise for the rest of the time he plays there. Enjoy your future of never winning the big one again, Cheeseheads.
Chicago. Scrappy team. Promising young QB. Good defence. Deep, talented linebacking corps (the MLB they drafted is supposed to be really good). Add game-changing pass-rusher Khalil Mack. This is a team on the rise.
Matt Stafford is a fine QB. There's nothing else really special that stands out about this team, and they're in a tough, compeptive division. For some reason, I feel like Matt Patricia is going to be a complete bust as a Head Coach.
NFC South
New Orleans (13/11)
Atlanta (12/10)
Carolina (11/9)
Tampa (5/3)
New Orleans hit the jackpot in the draft last year, and those players should be even better this season. Alvin Kamara is incredible. Drew Brees is Drew Brees (even though he's an insufferable asshole, like Sean Payton). It's their division to lose.
The pieces are still there in Atlanta. Coaching changes most likely accounted for some of the offensive drop-off last season, so expect that aspect to be improved this year. With Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and so much more, the points will come.
I have a sneaking suspicion that new Offensive Coordinator Norv Turner and Cam Newton are going to drive each other nuts. Defence is still good, but it lives and dies with Luke Kuechly, and that guy's brain has to be close to scrambled. That's sad. I have a hard time seeing them challenging for the division title or making the playoffs in this deep conference.
Fuck Jameis Winston. Seriously, fuck that guy. Fuck Tampa for drafting him, fuck them for supporting him, fuck them for keeping him. Keep fucking losing, fucking losers. Fuck!
NFC West
Los Angeles (14/11)
San Francisco (10/8)
Arizona (7/5)
Seattle (7/5)
To one of the most potent offences in the league, Los Angeles has added Brandin Cooks, whose field-stretching ability will do wonders for Jared Goff and create space for the spectacular Todd Gurley. To a defence that already features one of the most disruptive players in the league in Aaron Donald, the R**s have added Ndamukong Suh, Aqib Talib, and Marcus Peters. That's a lot of talent. That's also a lot of asshole. In a sport where team chemistry is so important, this is a volatile mix. If it works, LA could very well be headed for the top seed in the conference. Even if it goes a little wonky, it's hard to imagine this team not walking away with the division.
Well, Kyle Shanahan got his QB. Let's see what happens when Garoppolo has a whole season to work. Hopefully he keeps his dalliances with porn stars down to a minimum. Also helpful will be if San Fran's cornerstone LB can stop being an asshole and stay on the field, as opposed to suspended or in jail.
With David Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Sam Bradford on offence, and Patrick Peterson and Chandler Jones on defence, this team could surprise. I'd be worried about Bradford behind that sieve of an offensive line though. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Bradford can be injury-prone.
Seattle has Russell Wilson. The offensive line is terrible. They have no running game. The defence has been gutted. Pete Carroll is a whiny pain in the ass, and I hope he's miserable this season. He'll be back coaching college ball soon.
NFC Wild Cards: Green Bay, Atlanta
Bonus Coverage
Week One, Thursday Night
Atlanta at Philadelphia
Great matchup to start the season. We can dispense with talk about whether Nick Foles is good enough. Both of these teams look playoff-bound to me, so a loss tonight won't be a season-killer. Atlanta certainly is good enough to pull out the win on the road, but I'm going with the home team in a close one. Have fun pelting the F*****s' team bus with cheesesteaks and feces, Philly fans. Winner: Philadelphia
Thanks for stopping by. Check back in tomorrow for the rest of my Week One Picks.
Oh, and writing about it, too.
I used to write a picks column on a different site. It was pretty good. I was pretty good. Then I gave it up. I kept watching and enjoying the games, while getting angrier and angrier about it. So last season, after becoming frustrated by yet another stupid thing that a football player did, I reached a sort of breaking point. I missed writing about football, and I needed an outlet for my frustrations about the league. So I came up with the idea for this column. I did it, and I enjoyed it.
So I'm back.
Unlike in the past, when I would follow the NFL practically all year round, for the past few years I mostly ignore it in the offseason, reading the occasional piece every now and then if it catches my attention. Then, in the weeks before the season starts, I ramp things up, taking a good hard look at what went on in the offseason and preseason: things like which players changed teams, which teams changed coaches, what players got in trouble off the field, which teams abused their cheerleaders, which owners had to sell their teams because of sexual misconduct; you know, typical NFL stuff. So, I'm still shaking off the cobwebs, so to speak, on my writing. This first column is a bit rushed, as I'm trying to get a lot done in a relatively short time, while trying to keep my head from exploding and from writing 10,000 words because there's so many awful things that have happened just since last season ended (Especially with teams like Pittsburgh, Dallas, Tampa, and Baltimore, where there's just so much to hate). I'll get to that stuff, plus anything else that comes up, as the season progresses.
This is not a column promoting the league. I'll use the names of the cities where the teams are, as well as the names of the people involved (players, coaches, owners, etc.), but I'll only use expurgated team names. This is a column for people who love watching NFL games, but who are also at least interested in the idea that the league itself, the organization, and the people who comprise it, are not necessarily worthy of our attention, our money, our loyalty.
So, I hope you enjoy my take on things. Be forewarned, however, that I will shit on your team. No team is spared my ire, and no player is immune to criticism. There is a lot about this league, its practices, its policies, and especially its people, that is definitely hate-worthy, and I will be serving up heaping helpings of opinions about the types of things that irk me on a regular basis. Having said that, I give honest analysis, too. If I pick a team, I mean it, and I have reasons for it. I'm open about my biases, when I have them. This may be an NFL-hating column, but it's also a football column, at various times serious, humorous, irreverent, or just angry.
So.
I love watching football.
I hate the NFL.
There you have it.
Welcome.
So let's kick things off with my divisional picks. Teams are listed in order of expected finish. I do this by literally going through every game on the schedule and trying to predict the outcomes based on how good the teams are at the beginning of the season. The number notation that you see next to each team is what I think that team's best case/worst case win total will be for the season. Again, this is based solely on how good I think a team is on day one. So, using Houston as an example, based on their schedule and current personnel, I'd pencil them in for, at best, 12 wins, and at least 9 wins. And, just so we're clear, worst case doesn't include the unforeseen, like injuries, suspensions, alien abductions, and the like. If Deshaun Watson and JJ Watt suffer season-ending injuries, and Tyrann Mathieu gets beamed aboard a spaceship, I can't predict that. No one can.
AFC East
New England (13/10)
New York (8/6)
Miami (8/5)
Buffalo (6/3)
New England: Bob Kraft, by most accounts a nice guy, helped get T***p elected, and that's a stink that doesn't wash off easily. Brady's favourite target is suspended for the first four games for PEDs, and they're thin at wideout, having cruelly banished Danny Amendola to Miami. Lost Dion Lewis and Nate Solder. Only heaven (and Belichick) seem to know what happened to Superb Owl hero-to-zero Malcolm Butler. They'll start slow, there'll be a million experts piping up to say "this is THE END!!!," but until one of the other three losers in this division gets its act together, it'll be another East title and most likely deep playoff run. Massholes rejoice!
New York looked like it was going to tank last season after jettisoning so many of its key players. Swerve: Todd Bowles actually got his charges to play hard, and the team exceeded all expectations. They enter this season with hope, having drafted a QB that many say has all the tools to be a top-tier player. Their best hope for this season is that they don't get said QB mangled while running for his life behind a very questionable offensive line. Such is the way of life for J**s fans; have hope at your peril rooting for this sad-sack franchise.
Miami has one of the worst owners in the league, whose lack of knowledge about how to build a winning franchise is rivaled only by his contempt for his team's players and fans. Ryan Tannehill is back! He'll either stink again, or get injured again and leave the team to be QBed by someone even worse.
Buffalo made the playoffs last season for the first time in forever. It should have been easier than it was, but moron coach Sean McDermott benched Tyrod Taylor, who was playing pretty well, for Nathan Peterman, who promptly threw five INTs in the first half of his first start. A miracle comeback by Cincinnati of all teams fluked the B***s into the postseason anyway. Success! So, what's new this year? Taylor is gone to Cleveland, Buffalo drafted a QB, Peterman is going to be the starter, LeSean McCoy is under investigation for some very serious crimes (but is eligible to play, which is SO NFL), and McDermott is still calling the shots on the field. Welcome to last place.
AFC North
Pittsburgh (13/10)
Baltimore (10/8)
Cincinnati (8/6)
Cleveland (6/3)
This is one of the assholiest divisions in the league, so it's only fitting that the biggest collection of assholes sits atop it. This is one of the teams that I hate the most. From the Rooneys, to the moron QB, to the rest of the cheapshot artists it calls players, the S******s are an impressive collection of human garbage. And they're too cheap to fairly compensate their most productive player, LeVeon Bell, who has upped the ante on his annual holdout. This is good for the rest of the league, because Pittsburgh's running game is basically non-existent without him. I hope he stays out long enough to do serious damage to the team's season, then ends up winning somewhere else (Cincinnati would be hilarious, except Marvin Lewis would probably try to turn him into a punter or something.) Still, Big Ben will put up big numbers throwing bombs to his loaded receiver corps. And hopefully he'll spend a lot of time riding motorcycles.
Joe Flacco is still cashing big cheques based on that one Superb Owl run he had once, even though he gets worse every year. John Harbaugh is one of the whiniest coaches ever; he cries whenever something doesn't go his way (especially when Bill Belichick outsmarts him). Ray Lewis is this city's idea of a hero. The R****s are only good enough to make the playoffs because this is a weak conference.
Cincinnati has hit upon a proven formula for failure, and they have practiced it to perfection. They get rid of their character players, keep the idiots, and keep employing the coach who can't keep discipline or get his team to win a playoff game. It's too bad that Andy Dalton and AJ Green have to waste their careers playing for Marvin Lewis. Fun fact: the B*****s finally won a clutch game last year with playoff implications, helping Buffalo get to the playoffs, and netting a bunch of sweet cash for Dalton's charitable foundation from grateful B***s fans. Congratulations?
Cleveland should field an offence which includes Tyrod Taylor, Jarvis Landry (asshole), and the supremely talented Josh Gordon (FINALLY!). Plus, they have some pretty good talent on the defensive side of the ball. Which means that they should be able to win more than zero games this year, which would be an improvement. I'd hold off on the playoff talk just yet, though. Third place in this division would be pushing it.
AFC South
Houston (12/9)
Jacksonville (12/9)
Tennessee (10/7)
Indianapolis (7/4)
Assuming that Deshaun Watson and JJ Watt stay healthy (big ifs), and with Tyrann Mathieu patrolling Houston's secondary, this should be a big turnaround year for the T****s. Of course, Bill O'Brien usually screws things up. Why am I picking them to finish first?
Oh yeah, Jacksonville. Great defence. One-dimensional offence. Barely beat Buffalo in the playoffs, then almost got beaten by a Pittsburgh team that they were blowing out, then got smoked by New England. Have done nothing but talk since (especially Jalen Ramsey). They won't surprise anyone this year, and the clock is ticking on old man Calais Campbell.
Tennessee picked up some more New Engalnd castoffs in their attempt to create P******s South. Dion Lewis's superior running, pass-catching, and blocking might be a major help to Marcus Mariota. Malcolm Butler was good, but he was coached-up, and his psyche is damaged after his humiliating Superb Owl benching. And Mike Vrabel has never been a head coach before, nor was he a coach under Belichick. Things could be rocky for a while here, but there's potential.
Andrew Luck might be coming back soon. I think. He had a chance to be a great player. Playing for the C***s has ruined him. It'll be interesting to see if he can come back. Too bad the team still stinks.
AFC West
Los Angeles (13/10)
Kansas City (10/8)
Denver (7/5)
Oakland (7/5)
Doesn't it seem like not that long ago that this was one of the deepest divisions in the league? Now, a team like Los Angeles, which looks like it has just enough talent on both sides of the ball (and one really special pass rusher),could very well run away with the division. They'll have to hope they stay healthy, because although there's talent, there's not much depth.
Fans in KC are excited about young, talented QB Patrick Mahomes. The offence looks to have plenty of weapons, but the defence is questionable. Rookie QB, so-so D, and Reid, Andy, means second place.
Denver's defence still has Von Miller, but its best days look to be behind it. Case Keenum is an upgrade at QB, but he excelled last season with a stellar supporting cast and good coaching, which he won't have in Denver. I wonder how holy roller Keenum will get along with his new pervy head coach.
These are dark days in Oakland. The team will be moving to Vegas soon, and their new (old) high-priced head coach and cheapskate/incompetent organization just let Khalil Mack go, essentially telling fans that the team can't win now. Should be a great season. Go R*****s!
AFC Wild Cards: Jacksonville, Tennessee
NFC East
Philadelphia (12/10)
Dallas (9/7)
New York (6/4)
Washington (6/4)
Philadelphia won the Superb Owl, and I couldn't even be mad about it because of guys like Chris Long and Nick Foles. Thank goodness that the Philly fans didn't disappoint, promptly going out and acting like brain-dead hooligans.
Dallas is one of the worst franchises in sports. Jerry Jones is an attention-whore with no moral character who ruins everything he touches. Jason Garrett is actually a decent coach, but he's been hamstrung his entire career because of Jerry's meddling. Now Jerry is threatening to ruin Dak Prescott, turning him into a soulless company man. Ezekiel Elliot is back for probably the whole season. He's really good (and an asshole), but he and Prescott will have it tougher playing behind a weaker offensive line (thanks in part to Travis Frederick's illness). Jason Witten retired, Dez is gone, but Cole "Hillbilly Edelman" Beasley is still there. Best player on defence, Sean Lee, is made of porcelain, and there's not much else.
Hey, G****s fans; did you know that the J**s are the kings of Football New York now? How does that feel? Congratulations on drafting a RB in the first round. Teams hardly ever do that anymore, but I'm sure it'll work out fine. Oh, and great job overpaying for Nate Solder. Is Dante Scarnecchia going to be coaching him, too? Also, Odell Beckham Jr. is a really special player, who, seriously, earned the right to sign that big contract. Now that he doesn't have to worry about that, he can focus on important things like TD celebrations. I look forward to OBJ pantomiming taking a shit on the field really soon. Also, Eli Manning.
Washington. Your team name is a horrible racist slur, and your owner is racist human garbage (and a wannabe pimp to boot). You wouldn't pay Kirk Cousins, but you would pay Alex Smith. I hope Cousins has a great year winning in Minnesota, while your horrible racist fans watch another hopeless losing season.
NFC North
Minnesota (13/11)
Green Bay (13/10)
Chicago (7/5)
Detroit (7/5)
Minnesota did great last season. If anything, they'll be better this season. Kirk Cousins should be an upgrade at QB, as his stellar supporting offensive weapons will take a lot of presssure off him. Offensive line could be a problem, but it's a manageable one. Defence is deep and talented.
Aaron Rodgers got paid. Good for him. His contract will keep Green Bay from putting any good players around him (like Khalil Mack, for example), but that's all right. See, you don't have to be a winner to be a rich athlete. It's more about image. Danica Patrick is a rich "athlete," and she isn't even any good. One of the terrible ironies about this team is that terrible coach Mike McCarthy only keeps his job because Rodgers makes them a winner (seriously, the team absolutely TANKS when he's hurt, which is often), but the team's success (and therefore Rodgers's legacy) has been held back because of McCarthy's terrible coaching. And now Rodgers's contract will hamstring the franchise for the rest of the time he plays there. Enjoy your future of never winning the big one again, Cheeseheads.
Chicago. Scrappy team. Promising young QB. Good defence. Deep, talented linebacking corps (the MLB they drafted is supposed to be really good). Add game-changing pass-rusher Khalil Mack. This is a team on the rise.
Matt Stafford is a fine QB. There's nothing else really special that stands out about this team, and they're in a tough, compeptive division. For some reason, I feel like Matt Patricia is going to be a complete bust as a Head Coach.
NFC South
New Orleans (13/11)
Atlanta (12/10)
Carolina (11/9)
Tampa (5/3)
New Orleans hit the jackpot in the draft last year, and those players should be even better this season. Alvin Kamara is incredible. Drew Brees is Drew Brees (even though he's an insufferable asshole, like Sean Payton). It's their division to lose.
The pieces are still there in Atlanta. Coaching changes most likely accounted for some of the offensive drop-off last season, so expect that aspect to be improved this year. With Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, and so much more, the points will come.
I have a sneaking suspicion that new Offensive Coordinator Norv Turner and Cam Newton are going to drive each other nuts. Defence is still good, but it lives and dies with Luke Kuechly, and that guy's brain has to be close to scrambled. That's sad. I have a hard time seeing them challenging for the division title or making the playoffs in this deep conference.
Fuck Jameis Winston. Seriously, fuck that guy. Fuck Tampa for drafting him, fuck them for supporting him, fuck them for keeping him. Keep fucking losing, fucking losers. Fuck!
NFC West
Los Angeles (14/11)
San Francisco (10/8)
Arizona (7/5)
Seattle (7/5)
To one of the most potent offences in the league, Los Angeles has added Brandin Cooks, whose field-stretching ability will do wonders for Jared Goff and create space for the spectacular Todd Gurley. To a defence that already features one of the most disruptive players in the league in Aaron Donald, the R**s have added Ndamukong Suh, Aqib Talib, and Marcus Peters. That's a lot of talent. That's also a lot of asshole. In a sport where team chemistry is so important, this is a volatile mix. If it works, LA could very well be headed for the top seed in the conference. Even if it goes a little wonky, it's hard to imagine this team not walking away with the division.
Well, Kyle Shanahan got his QB. Let's see what happens when Garoppolo has a whole season to work. Hopefully he keeps his dalliances with porn stars down to a minimum. Also helpful will be if San Fran's cornerstone LB can stop being an asshole and stay on the field, as opposed to suspended or in jail.
With David Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Sam Bradford on offence, and Patrick Peterson and Chandler Jones on defence, this team could surprise. I'd be worried about Bradford behind that sieve of an offensive line though. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Bradford can be injury-prone.
Seattle has Russell Wilson. The offensive line is terrible. They have no running game. The defence has been gutted. Pete Carroll is a whiny pain in the ass, and I hope he's miserable this season. He'll be back coaching college ball soon.
NFC Wild Cards: Green Bay, Atlanta
Bonus Coverage
Week One, Thursday Night
Atlanta at Philadelphia
Great matchup to start the season. We can dispense with talk about whether Nick Foles is good enough. Both of these teams look playoff-bound to me, so a loss tonight won't be a season-killer. Atlanta certainly is good enough to pull out the win on the road, but I'm going with the home team in a close one. Have fun pelting the F*****s' team bus with cheesesteaks and feces, Philly fans. Winner: Philadelphia
Thanks for stopping by. Check back in tomorrow for the rest of my Week One Picks.
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