There’s a scene in “The Princess Bride” (one of my favourite movies) where Westley explains to Buttercup how he became “The Dread Pirate Roberts.” In telling his tale, Westley recounts how he was captured by Roberts, and how he became the pirate’s valet. Roberts would end each day by telling Westley, “I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.”
(Note: If the preceding made no sense to you, it’s entirely possible that this might not be the right football column for you. Best keep reading, though, just to be sure.)
Years ago, I started writing a football picks column on another website. It was good. I was good. After five years, I got tired of writing about football. Watching the NFL had become a guilty pleasure; I enjoyed the games, but the league was a cesspool. So, I quit. After a year, I reinvented myself as an angrier fan, found a new site, and changed the name of the column to “Hate-Watching The NFL.” It was only supposed to be a one-off, a chance for me to vent about all the things about the league that bugged me, while still offering honest (and admittedly biased) picks and analysis.
At the end of the 2017 season, I told myself that I was done for good. However, when September 2018 rolled around, I was back at it. When the season ended, I once again told myself that was finished.
And so on…
At the end of last season, I was absolutely convinced that I was finished. KC had won the Superb Owl. The last of the woman-beaters had hoisted the Lombardi. The last racist chant had been chanted. The last racist chop had been chopped. Everything was garbage. Nobody cared. Fans didn’t care. Media didn’t care. Teams didn’t care. The league sure-as-shit didn’t care. What was the point?
That was February.
I don’t know about you, but to me, February feels like forever ago.
A LOT has changed.
The killing of George Floyd, the callous, matter-of-fact manner in which it was done, the fact that it was filmed, caused a shift in reality for the many people who refused to grasp the extent to which Black Lives are marginalized and brutalized. After this, no right-thinking person could deny it. The lines in the fight for justice and equality had been redrawn.
Now, I have no misconceptions when it comes to the league and its teams giving a shit. They’ll pay lip-service to whatever social cause will make them look good. This was different, though. The response to Floyd’s killing, the outcry, the protests, the demand for justice, was a force. The backlash to the movement, from police and their apologists, opportunists, and racists (including the apricot-tinted Opportunist-in-Chief), only highlighted the division in the country. The lines were clearly drawn, and in football, if you’re outside the lines, you’re out of bounds. The league and its teams had to, at the very least, pretend to care, and to do so CONVINCINGLY.
So now, we have the contemptible Roger Goodell singing the praises of Colin Kaepernick. We have KC banning the racist cosplay from their stadium. We have the Washington… Football Team (?!?).
But do we have change? We’ll see.
“Colin Kaepernick is one of the top free agents in football and a starting-caliber quarterback,” EA Sports said in a statement Monday. “The team at EA SPORTS, along with millions of Madden NFL fans, want to see him back in our game.” https://t.co/ekk2W68xAa
— Chicago Sun-Times (@Suntimes) September 8, 2020
<Above retweeted by Colin Kaepernick>
If you had asked me a month ago, I’d have told you there probably won’t even be NFL football in September. The U.S. government has so badly bungled the response to the COVID-19 pandemic, that while other countries have been able to successfully manage it, and return to some semblance of normalcy, the U.S. COVID disaster continues unabated. We all now know that the failed human being that currently occupies the country’s highest office deliberately and callously mismanaged the pandemic response, in every and any possible way, and that he is personally responsible for literally tens-of-thousands of deaths. Because of “Apricot Pol Pot,” my dear friend’s pet-name for the president, the U.S. is viewed with horror by the rest of the world, as a country no one wants to visit, and whose citizens are unwelcome. COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on all aspects of life in the U.S., and professional sports has been no exception. Other major pro leagues have managed to work out ways to bring their sports back, with varying degrees of success. Football would be especially difficult to manage safely, what with the size of the rosters, intense physical contact, and so forth. I think that you could make a strong case against bringing back any of the major team sports, and the strongest case would likely be against the NFL.
And, yet, here we are, about to kick off the 2020 season.
(Here’s a link to an article that outlines each team’s current plans with regards to attendance at games. Some teams have decided to temporarily limit or exclude people from attending games, while others have had the decision made for them by state governments.)
This is usually the point where I would begin talking about the upcoming season, and what I expect. However, with the kind of crazy year 2020 has been, with COVID, with the societal unrest and division in the country, and everything else that’s happened so far, predicting a football season seems a foolhardier pursuit now than it’s ever been. With the crucial presidential election on the horizon, would it be so crazy to think that the whole country might be on fire in two months’ time?
With all that has happened, is happening, and could very well happen, attempting to make any kind of predictions about the upcoming season does not merely seem nonsensical; it sounds crazy.
But, I mean, while I’m here, I do have a few thoughts…
AFC East
If Buffalo doesn’t win the East this season, the team should be disbanded. They return most of the starters from one of last season’s best defenses, and they added Stephon Diggs to provide another target for talented/streaky Josh Allen. Speaking of Allen, Buffalo fans had better hope that he doesn’t get hurt, as the QB depth chart drops off precipitously. Backup Matt Barkley, how should I say this, is terrible, and the next guy up is Jake Fromm, a southern Christian gun-lover with questionable judgement when it comes to racially insensitive “humour.” If they were smart, they’d sign Kaepernick. The publicity storm would pass, and they’d have a talented, mobile backup who could run the same offense that Allen runs.
Standing between Buffalo and the East title are:
New England—Adding Cam Newton will cushion the blow of Brady’s departure somewhat, but this is the same shitty offence that Brady was stuck with last season, minus legendary OL coach Dante Scarnecchia. Last year, New England succeeded mainly due to having the best defense in the league. This year’s version will be without LBs Kyle Van Noy, Jamie Collins, and Elandon Roberts, who are on other teams, and Don’t’a Hightower, who opted out, along with S Patrick Chung. On a weird note, New England drafted a guy who turned out to be one of these extreme right-wing, gun-licking racists (if you count tattoos as commitment, which I do). He’s still with the team as far as I know.
Miami—Young talent, future contender, not ready yet.
NYJ—Sam Darnold is still a question mark. Receiving corps is thin. No Jamal Adams (in Seattle) or CJ Mosely (opted out) on defense.
The East is Buffalo’s to win or lose.
AFC North
The only thing I’m reasonably certain about in this division is that Cincinnati won’t win it. They got their QB, now they just have to hope that he’s good, that they can keep him healthy, and that they can build a team around him.
Cleveland looks a lot like the team that couldn’t live up to the hype last season. The talent is all there; they just have to put it all together. No one’s hopping on that hype train just yet. These windows of opportunity tend to close pretty quickly, so Cleveland fans will be hoping that Baker Mayfield can lead this offense.
Baltimore returns most of their offensive starters, minus the great Marshall Yanda. I still say their offence is gimmicky and not sustainable. We’ll see how defenses adjust to them this year. Defence was good last year, and has added Calais Campbell to shore up the line.
Pittsburgh will be the main obstacle to Baltimore winning the North again. Their defense should be as good or better than last year’s superb unit. If Bigfathead Ben plays well after elbow surgery (Aside: One has to wonder how much Ben’s porn addiction contributed to his elbow woes…), Pittsburgh will likely take this division.
AFC South
How this division shakes out will largely depend on two players: Phillip Rivers and TY Hilton.
When Ryan Tannehill was in Miami, I could never tell whether he did poorly because he was dumb as dirt, or just because Miami sucked. Last season, he took the reins from failing Marcus Mariota, and proceeded to play like one of the best QBs in the league. With force-of-nature Derrick Henry in the backfield, Tennessee should be able to get it done on offense. Defense is potentially upgraded with the addition of Jadeveon Clowney. If Tannehill plays as well as the incumbent as he did as Plan B, Tennessee is good enough to take this division easily.
In a way, I feel bad for Deshaun Watson. His coach and GM are the same moron. (I know I say this every year, but how is Bill O’Brien still employed?) DeAndre Hopkins is gone, sold for scrap, replaced by spare parts. Houston’s best player on defense is a perennial season-ending injury waiting to happen. I won’t shed too many tears for Watson, though; he’s incredibly rich.
Jacksonville drafts first in 2021. Who else is this bad?
It seems funny that around this time last year, we were talking about the stunning retirement of Andrew Luck. Before Luck rode off into the sunset, I had Indy down as championship contenders. Despite the sudden change, Indy got off to a good start before stumbling to a 7-9 record. This is the only team that can challenge Tennessee in the South. To do that, though, three things have to happen: Rivers must play well, he must develop a rapport with Hilton, and Hilton has to stay healthy, something he has had difficulty doing of late.
AFC West
Easiest division to pick.
KC has too much talent, too many returning players, and not enough competition, to relinquish their hold on the West.
LV is probably the best of the rest, with loads of talent on offence.
Denver is deep at RB, has lots of potential at WR, but Drew Lock is a question mark. Von Miller looks to be lost for a significant amount of time.
LABolts were looking like a potential dark horse, until S Derwin James went down with another serious injury. James’s versatility is the key to LABolts’ offense, and without him, I don’t see them in the playoff mix.
Now, if I were doing a football column, I would talk about the kickoff game on Thursday night. You know; this one:
Thursday Night
Houston at KC
With the lack of preseason games, talent and continuity will be huge advantages early on in the season. As I mentioned previously, KC is returning most of its starters from their championship team. Their offence is a track team. They have Mahomes. The things I’ll be most curious about will be how much time is spent during the broadcast talking about “issues.” Will the network people talk about social and player protests in this and other sports? Will they mention KC’s new ban on the racist regalia that has been de rigueur at their games for ages? Will they mention the backlash from KC’s “fans” regarding the ban interfering with their racist “fun?” Will they talk about Kaepernick? Will they mention George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and/or any of the myriad other names of people who have been unlawfully killed by police? Will they mention Black Lives Matter? Will they actually say that Black Lives Matter? And, with only 17,000 expected to be in attendance due to social distancing rules (a fraction of what a typical crowd would be), will we be able to hear the vile, racist chanting that was so embarrassingly, disgustingly prevalent during the broadcasts of KC’s run to the championship last season. Anyway, enjoy the game. Winner: KC
Well, I’m glad I got that out. It felt good. Almost, shall I say, cathartic. If you read to the end, I thank you.
Good day, folks. This will most likely be my last football column.
If you had asked me a month ago, I’d have told you there probably won’t even be NFL football in September. The U.S. government has so badly bungled the response to the COVID-19 pandemic, that while other countries have been able to successfully manage it, and return to some semblance of normalcy, the U.S. COVID disaster continues unabated. We all now know that the failed human being that currently occupies the country’s highest office deliberately and callously mismanaged the pandemic response, in every and any possible way, and that he is personally responsible for literally tens-of-thousands of deaths. Because of “Apricot Pol Pot,” my dear friend’s pet-name for the president, the U.S. is viewed with horror by the rest of the world, as a country no one wants to visit, and whose citizens are unwelcome. COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on all aspects of life in the U.S., and professional sports has been no exception. Other major pro leagues have managed to work out ways to bring their sports back, with varying degrees of success. Football would be especially difficult to manage safely, what with the size of the rosters, intense physical contact, and so forth. I think that you could make a strong case against bringing back any of the major team sports, and the strongest case would likely be against the NFL.
And, yet, here we are, about to kick off the 2020 season.
(Here’s a link to an article that outlines each team’s current plans with regards to attendance at games. Some teams have decided to temporarily limit or exclude people from attending games, while others have had the decision made for them by state governments.)
This is usually the point where I would begin talking about the upcoming season, and what I expect. However, with the kind of crazy year 2020 has been, with COVID, with the societal unrest and division in the country, and everything else that’s happened so far, predicting a football season seems a foolhardier pursuit now than it’s ever been. With the crucial presidential election on the horizon, would it be so crazy to think that the whole country might be on fire in two months’ time?
With all that has happened, is happening, and could very well happen, attempting to make any kind of predictions about the upcoming season does not merely seem nonsensical; it sounds crazy.
But, I mean, while I’m here, I do have a few thoughts…
AFC East
If Buffalo doesn’t win the East this season, the team should be disbanded. They return most of the starters from one of last season’s best defenses, and they added Stephon Diggs to provide another target for talented/streaky Josh Allen. Speaking of Allen, Buffalo fans had better hope that he doesn’t get hurt, as the QB depth chart drops off precipitously. Backup Matt Barkley, how should I say this, is terrible, and the next guy up is Jake Fromm, a southern Christian gun-lover with questionable judgement when it comes to racially insensitive “humour.” If they were smart, they’d sign Kaepernick. The publicity storm would pass, and they’d have a talented, mobile backup who could run the same offense that Allen runs.
Standing between Buffalo and the East title are:
New England—Adding Cam Newton will cushion the blow of Brady’s departure somewhat, but this is the same shitty offence that Brady was stuck with last season, minus legendary OL coach Dante Scarnecchia. Last year, New England succeeded mainly due to having the best defense in the league. This year’s version will be without LBs Kyle Van Noy, Jamie Collins, and Elandon Roberts, who are on other teams, and Don’t’a Hightower, who opted out, along with S Patrick Chung. On a weird note, New England drafted a guy who turned out to be one of these extreme right-wing, gun-licking racists (if you count tattoos as commitment, which I do). He’s still with the team as far as I know.
Miami—Young talent, future contender, not ready yet.
NYJ—Sam Darnold is still a question mark. Receiving corps is thin. No Jamal Adams (in Seattle) or CJ Mosely (opted out) on defense.
The East is Buffalo’s to win or lose.
AFC North
The only thing I’m reasonably certain about in this division is that Cincinnati won’t win it. They got their QB, now they just have to hope that he’s good, that they can keep him healthy, and that they can build a team around him.
Cleveland looks a lot like the team that couldn’t live up to the hype last season. The talent is all there; they just have to put it all together. No one’s hopping on that hype train just yet. These windows of opportunity tend to close pretty quickly, so Cleveland fans will be hoping that Baker Mayfield can lead this offense.
Baltimore returns most of their offensive starters, minus the great Marshall Yanda. I still say their offence is gimmicky and not sustainable. We’ll see how defenses adjust to them this year. Defence was good last year, and has added Calais Campbell to shore up the line.
Pittsburgh will be the main obstacle to Baltimore winning the North again. Their defense should be as good or better than last year’s superb unit. If Bigfathead Ben plays well after elbow surgery (Aside: One has to wonder how much Ben’s porn addiction contributed to his elbow woes…), Pittsburgh will likely take this division.
AFC South
How this division shakes out will largely depend on two players: Phillip Rivers and TY Hilton.
When Ryan Tannehill was in Miami, I could never tell whether he did poorly because he was dumb as dirt, or just because Miami sucked. Last season, he took the reins from failing Marcus Mariota, and proceeded to play like one of the best QBs in the league. With force-of-nature Derrick Henry in the backfield, Tennessee should be able to get it done on offense. Defense is potentially upgraded with the addition of Jadeveon Clowney. If Tannehill plays as well as the incumbent as he did as Plan B, Tennessee is good enough to take this division easily.
In a way, I feel bad for Deshaun Watson. His coach and GM are the same moron. (I know I say this every year, but how is Bill O’Brien still employed?) DeAndre Hopkins is gone, sold for scrap, replaced by spare parts. Houston’s best player on defense is a perennial season-ending injury waiting to happen. I won’t shed too many tears for Watson, though; he’s incredibly rich.
Jacksonville drafts first in 2021. Who else is this bad?
It seems funny that around this time last year, we were talking about the stunning retirement of Andrew Luck. Before Luck rode off into the sunset, I had Indy down as championship contenders. Despite the sudden change, Indy got off to a good start before stumbling to a 7-9 record. This is the only team that can challenge Tennessee in the South. To do that, though, three things have to happen: Rivers must play well, he must develop a rapport with Hilton, and Hilton has to stay healthy, something he has had difficulty doing of late.
AFC West
Easiest division to pick.
KC has too much talent, too many returning players, and not enough competition, to relinquish their hold on the West.
LV is probably the best of the rest, with loads of talent on offence.
Denver is deep at RB, has lots of potential at WR, but Drew Lock is a question mark. Von Miller looks to be lost for a significant amount of time.
LABolts were looking like a potential dark horse, until S Derwin James went down with another serious injury. James’s versatility is the key to LABolts’ offense, and without him, I don’t see them in the playoff mix.
Now, if I were doing a football column, I would talk about the kickoff game on Thursday night. You know; this one:
Thursday Night
Houston at KC
With the lack of preseason games, talent and continuity will be huge advantages early on in the season. As I mentioned previously, KC is returning most of its starters from their championship team. Their offence is a track team. They have Mahomes. The things I’ll be most curious about will be how much time is spent during the broadcast talking about “issues.” Will the network people talk about social and player protests in this and other sports? Will they mention KC’s new ban on the racist regalia that has been de rigueur at their games for ages? Will they mention the backlash from KC’s “fans” regarding the ban interfering with their racist “fun?” Will they talk about Kaepernick? Will they mention George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and/or any of the myriad other names of people who have been unlawfully killed by police? Will they mention Black Lives Matter? Will they actually say that Black Lives Matter? And, with only 17,000 expected to be in attendance due to social distancing rules (a fraction of what a typical crowd would be), will we be able to hear the vile, racist chanting that was so embarrassingly, disgustingly prevalent during the broadcasts of KC’s run to the championship last season. Anyway, enjoy the game. Winner: KC
Well, I’m glad I got that out. It felt good. Almost, shall I say, cathartic. If you read to the end, I thank you.
Good day, folks. This will most likely be my last football column.
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