Matt Barkley. David Fales. Paxton Lynch. Mike Glennon. Chase Daniel. Sean Mannion. Matt Schaub. Blake Bortles. Geno Smith.
All currently on NFL rosters. Chase Daniel has already been pressed into starting duty due to injury. Matt Barkley had to relieve Josh Allen against the Pats. Any one of these QBs are but an injury away from being under Center.
They all suck.
...and while we're on the subject of Kaep...
Good to know that Rihanna has more integrity than Jay-Zed.
Winners in Bold:
Carolina at Tampa (In Tottenham, UK)
(Note: As I established last week, Tottenham is the Hell’s Kitchen of London, but with less Daredevil, and more hooligans.)
Last week, I said that I’d be shocked if Jameis Winston didn’t throw at least two picks against New Orleans, so I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that Winston DID, in fact, throw two passes that were intercepted, but the interceptions were nullified by penalties. (So, there.) Tampa is facing another tough defence this week. Carolina has been managing reasonably well on offence in Cam Newton’s absence, mostly due to the spectacular rushing/receiving of Christian McCaffrey. Tampa will no doubt try to key on McCaffrey in order to slow down Carolina’s attack. If Carolina can avoid falling behind early, they should be able to win a close one here.
Washington at Miami
I would not watch this game if you fucking paid me! (Well… how much are we talking about here?) Seriously, though, not only are these two of the worst teams in the league right now, but both franchises are an affront to football and basic human decency. Washington owner Dan Snyder, by any measure a reprehensible creature, knows nothing about football, but thinks he does; the team’s record since he took over bears this out. Stephen Ross, Miami’s owner and some-time Trump fundraiser, cares nothing about football; he seems to merely like the idea of owning a franchise (people?) because he’s a billionaire and he can do things like that. I’m pulling for Miami in this one, because I like Josh Rosen and I think Arizona did him dirty, and I absolutely abhor Washington.
Philadelphia at Minnesota
This one is just maddening. Everything points to Minnesota winning this one. Philly’s roster is decimated by injuries, while Minnesota is relatively healthy. Minnesota has a talented defence, and loads of skill on offence in both the running and passing game. Minnesota is playing at home. So, I’m supposed to trust Kirk Cousins now because he looked competent for one game against a middling defence last week? I’ll tell you what: when Cousins proves that he can keep from acting like a complete spaz every time he plays a decent team, I’ll start trusting him.
Houston at KC
It sure was weird watching Patrick Mahomes hobbling around trying to make plays against the stingy Indy defence. This week, KC has Houston coming to town. Deshaun Watson has been explosive this season, when he can stay upright, and KC doesn’t exactly have the greatest defence around. Houston has a pretty good defence, though. This game has the potential to be a really fun, shootout-type of game. I like Houston’s chances a lot, provided dum-dum Bill O’Brien doesn’t find a way to screw it up. Note: There’s word that Tyreek Hill might play in this one. Generally, I’m against rushing a player back who’s been injured, but in this case, it wouldn’t really bother me if he came back too soon and ended up getting hurt again.
New Orleans at Jacksonville
I just love Gardner Minshew. He’s fun, and he’s a gamer. I’d like to pick Jacksonville in this one, just based on that. Plus, Alvin Kamara popped up on the injury report, so that’s a major concern. However, I don’t trust a hobbled Jalen Ramsey to be able to shut down Michael Thomas, and I really don’t trust Doug Marrone not to fuck things up in a close game, and New Orleans’s defence looks really sharp right now.
Seattle at Cleveland
You’ve got to hand it to Cleveland; they went out last week and played against San Fran in a manner that truly befits their name. Based on what he’s gotten out of his team thus far, I don’t think it would be unfair to suggest that Freddie Kitchens might not be cut out to be a head coach in the NFL. Also, Baker Mayfield might want to consider, oh, I don’t know, shutting the fuck up until he actually accomplishes something in this league. Maybe win a few games, throw more TDs than INTs. Stuff like that. This week’s opponent will do Mayfield no favours. If Cleveland’s pass rush can get past Seattle’s dinged-up OL and harry Russell Wilson, then Cleveland will have a chance. Still, I predict boos; lots of boos.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Cincy is another team that currently looks like the walking wounded. Zac Taylor is another coach who I already have serious questions about. If Cincy can manage a decent offensive effort, they might be able to hang with Baltimore for a bit, but Baltimore should win going away.
San Francisco at LAR
I thought that this game might be the big test for San Fran, a team I still can’t quite get a handle on. Unfortunately for LA, Todd Gurley is out, as well as Clay Matthews and Aqib Talib. On the plus side, Jared Goff, who showed more poise than I’ve ever seen from him during what should have been a game-winning drive last week against Seattle (before Greg Zuerlein’s shank), will have a full complement of healthy receivers. Also, both of San Fran’s starting Tackles are out, so look for LA to get some pressure on Garoppolo and try to rattle him. Also, for a supposedly smart person, Richard Sherman sure does like acting like an idiot. I’m beginning to wonder if Aunt Becky helped him get into Stanford.
Atlanta at Arizona
Atlanta is another team that I can’t take seriously right now when they’re playing against good teams, due to their defence. I think that Atlanta should be able to muster enough offence to outlast Arizona, but with Atlanta’s defence playing as badly as it has, Arizona might give them a run for their money.
Dallas at NYJ
As much as I did not enjoy being wrong in picking Dallas last week against Green Bay, my disappointment was salved every time the Fox broadcast of the game showed Jerry Jones grimacing in his private box as his team (especially Dak Prescott and Dallas’s talented defence) took a giant, steaming dump on that silver star. Jones’s agony was my ecstasy. After that fiasco, Dallas needs a patsy to beat up on. One patsy, coming up.
Tennessee at Denver
Impressive win by Denver last week, dispatching an injury-riddled Bolts squad (what else is new?). I’m sure Denver must be feeling pretty good about themselves. Enter Tennessee, ready to roll, no doubt feeling chastened after getting beaten up by a Buffalo defence that is much better than Denver’s. Denver is in for a real fight in this one.
Pittsburgh at LAC
On the one hand, LA has a bunch of injuries. Yeah, yeah, yeah…whatever. On the other hand… WHO THE FUCK IS DEVLIN HODGES?!? OH MY GOD!!! Pittsburgh sucks SO BAD, and it feels SO GOOD!!! Now, as long as the Bolts’ offensive game plan doesn’t involve exposing Phillip Rivers to Pittsburgh’s pass rush, my night shouldn’t be ruined.
Detroit at Green Bay
I like what Detroit has done this season; they’ve really competed, and it looks like Matt Patricia might be finally making some headway. However, after Green Bay’s dismantling of Dallas last week in Jerry’s playpen, I’m afraid I’m going to have to start taking the Pack seriously.