One quick thought about Thursday Night’s KC/NE opener. Don’t let fair-weather pseudo fans play an integral part when you open your season, no matter how famous they are, particularly when you’re unveiling a championship banner. When Marky Mark was talking about the Pats great comeback in the Superb Owl, was I the only one yelling at the TV, “You weren’t even there! You gave up on the team and left!” You think Dumberg blamed his kid for the Pats losing? Whatever else bad happens to the Pats this season, call it “The Curse of Marky Mark.”
AFC East
New England
Miami
Buffalo
New York
I like the Pats just fine. They play great football, are very well-coached and prepared (usually), and they get the most out of their players, often players that other teams let walk for nothing or almost nothing. However, it’s hard to really enjoy watching the Pats because their fans are such insufferable idiots. I remember when the Pats sucked and no one liked them. Stop pretending that you’ve loved them forever. And, as much as I hate Goodell, let it go. That story had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Brady won. The Pats won. YOU WON! It’s over. Move on, titheads.
I suppose I should thank Miami owner Stephen Ross. See, I used to be a Dolphins’ fan. Then Ross bought the team, and became obsessed with creating this culture that promoted celebrity, but didn’t care about actually making the team better. Thanks for making me see the light, that owners don’t give a shit about the fans or the game. Now I’m a free agent fan; I can root for or against anyone I want. Oh, and this was kind a big thing in my old column: Ndamakong Suh is a psychopath who likes hurting people. Had to say it.
My hatred of Buffalo goes all the way back to a mystical time we refer to as “the 90s.” The Bills had this QB, Rob Johnson. He was a useless pretty boy who the Bills saw fit to pay an ungodly amount of money for holding onto the ball too long, getting sacked a lot, and losing, when he wasn’t hurt. In ’98, scrappy midget/cereal magnate Doug Flutie took over a 1-3 Bills squad, after Gorgeous Rob got injured, and took them to the playoffs. Then in ’99, Flutie won 10 games and got Buffalo to the playoffs again. Wade “great defensive coordinator, lousy head coach” Phillips chose to start then-healthy Johnson over Flutie in the wild card game against Tennessee (to the bewilderment and chagrin of Bills’ players and fans alike). Buffalo had the game locked up, but poor clock management by Phillips, and a freaky trick play by the Titans (just Google “Music City Miracle,” kids) sent the Bills to defeat, and the Titans, eventually, to the Superb Owl. Buffalo hasn’t been back to the playoffs since. Call it “The Flutie Flakes Curse” (I’m all about curses today.). Here’s a news flash: no playoffs this year, either.
TV Networks pay millions, billions for the rights to broadcast pro football. League merchandise is ubiquitous to the extreme. Fans shell out top dollar to attend PRESEASON games. Say what you want, but this NFL thing is a pretty big deal to an awful lot of people. So it’s unacceptable to me that a team would essentially tank an entire season before it’s even begun. And make no mistake, that’s exactly what the New York Jets are doing this season. It’s disgraceful. The over/under on Jets wins for this season was 4.5. I bet the under.
AFC South
Tennessee
Houston
Jacksonville
Indianapolis
Tennessee’s too boring to hate. Better take care of that Mariota kid. He’s pretty good. Let’s not have a repeat of last year.
I was going to rant about JJ Watt being a shameless self-promoter/fame whore, but when you have that kind of reach, and you use it to raise a gazillion dollars to help the city where you play after a natural disaster, then no critic can touch you, and to hell with anyone that tries. Too bad Bill O’Brien is such a dummy, and the team is probably going nowhere because they have no QB.
OK, Jacksonville, stop trying to be the Browns. It might be time to cut bait on Bortles, and you sure as hell aren’t going to win with Chad Henne. Would it have killed you to give Kaepernick a looksee? Oh wait. Sorry. Wouldn’t want to give that old coot Coughlin a heart attack. Friggin’ old white dudes; amiright, Shad?
Being able to draft Andrew Luck is like winning the lottery. It’s not every season that a QB prospect this good even comes along. So it’s kind of disturbing to watch such a singular talent get systematically destroyed while playing for such shitty teams. Luck is a treasure, and the Colts are killing him. That’s what happens when you have a pill-popping, drunk, billionaire who obsesses about the Patriots for an owner.
AFC North
Pittsburgh
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Cleveland
This is a division with so much to hate, it rivals the NFC East.
I love all those articles I’ve read over the years from lickspittle so-called journalists about how Ben Roethlisberger has “matured.” Matured, meaning that he doesn’t force himself on drunk girls in bar bathrooms anymore. Hey, the dude wasn’t convicted of anything, but the league suspended him (the same league that spent millions testing footballs to railroad Tom Brady, for some reason, so they have resources), so I say, “Where there’s smoke… .”
Pittsburgh also still employs violent moron James Harrison, who’s adept at cheap shots against both opposing players and the occasional girlfriend. Speaking of which, one of those shitheel Rooneys (currently deceased, I believe) once remarked of a Harrison domestic assault, that because Harrison wanted to take his and his girlfriend’s child to be baptized, against the mother’s wishes, that Harrison was “doing a good thing,” or some such nonsense. Friggin’ Catholics; no wonder the players are such assholes.
John Harbaugh is a whining crybaby, who acts like a petulant child (“I’M TELLING!”) every time Bill Belichick gets the better of him. Remember Ray Rice punching his wife in the face. Rice told the team exactly what happened. Harbaugh supported him. Then the video surfaced, and Harbaugh’s suddenly all, like, “Oh my God! That’s terrible.” Hey, dumb-dumb; when he said he punched his wife in the face, what did you think he meant? Seriously, fuck that guy.
If your QB makes over 20 mil a year because he played well for the only time in his career right before his contract expired, and the moral authority you trot out to explain why Colin Kaepernick isn’t a good fit for the team is Ray Lewis, you’re the Baltimore Ravens.
The Bengals have had some great players over the past few years, some real quality individuals like AJ Green, Andy Dalton, and Geno Atkins, and they breathed some fresh air into a division that for too long was “Pittsburgh this and Baltimore that…,” and I loved that. Jesus, Cincinnati, what happened to you?
Oh wait, I know the answer to this one: Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown. I have a special hate for these two chuckleheads. Brown and Lewis consistently stock the team with idiots that they can’t/refuse to control, like Adam Jones, Vontaze Burfict, and the guy who fell off a truck that time. These guys have shown a maddening consistency in screwing up at the most critical times. Now, I’m afraid that the ship has sailed, and Cincy will be lucky to be a .500 team this year, and that’s on Brown and Lewis. Enjoy your new “superstar” Joe Mixon. Christ; how long before that douchenozzle punches a cheerleader? PS: Tyler Eifert apparently loves the national anthem and writing Pat Tillman’s name on his cleats in magic marker now. Cool. Hope you don’t get cheap-shotted by one of your own players there, Ty.
Cleveland is terrible, year after year after year. They’re always rebuilding, but never actually build anything. They consistently get high draft picks, but never get any better. If they do get a player who’s half-decent, he leaves (except for poor, misguided Joe Thomas). There’s an old saying, something along the lines of “If you can’t be attractive, at least try to have a good personality.” Hmmm…
So, anyway, here’s a funny story: I don’t follow college football, but I know who Art Briles is. He was the coach at Baylor, until a huge scandal was uncovered, the worst part being, in a three year period while Briles was coach, at least 52 rapes involving 31 different players, with evidence that Briles and members of his staff covered for players and interfered with investigations. Briles was fired. Recently, he was in the news after the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger Cats hired him. After the city of Hamilton (and the league) lost its collective shit, the job offer was rescinded. Anyway, do you know what Briles did this past summer? He was a paid offensive consultant to the Cleveland Browns. Coach Hue Jackson wanted to “pick his brain,” and “he’s a good guy,” and “that happened somewhere else,” and “who am I to judge,” and, no, seriously, Fuck You, Hue.
AFC West
Oakland
Kansas City
Denver
Los Angeles
Well, the countdown is on; pretty soon, the Raiders are moving to Vegas, baby. Kind of a dirty way to treat such a loyal fan base, especially now that the team seems to have found a good QB. It’ll be a dubious parting gift to bring in an unretired Beast Mode if he doesn’t have it any more. Fun fact: Remember Aldon Smith, former 49er, serial asshole? After the ‘niners got fed up with his bs and cut him in 2015 after yet another arrest, he was unemployed for a whole five weeks before the Raiders signed him. They managed to get nine games out of him before the league finally got around to suspending him. He hasn’t played a game since November of 2015. Can’t get his act together, can’t get reinstated. Still a Raider.
I covered KC already. Congrats on beating the Pats. I was right about Myra Kraft’s ghost getting Tyreek Hill, though.
Ever hear the expression, “Shooting yourself in the foot?” Hey, Aqib Talib: it’s just a euphemism. You shouldn’t actually do it. Congrats, Denver on hiring a new head coach. Bit a of a creep, though. Better keep him away from the cheerleaders, especially with it being a legal herb state. John Bowlen is a wife-beating drunk-driver (the coveted “double-hyphenate”). He’ll inherit the team someday. John Elway likes Trump, sugar cubes, and the occasional apple. Can’t win with no offence, especially when you get rid of the guy that coached your defence into championship form.
Ah, the Chargers, another team that shat on a loyal city’s fans. Phillip Rivers took time from siring children to commit something like 30 turnovers last year. Yeah, LA’s going to love the Chargers.
OK, let’s get through this week’s picks quickly; the sun’s coming up, and I should probably get some sleep (or have another beer).
Week One Picks
Winner in bold:
NYJ at Buffalo
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Tampa at Miami : Not happening. Nature has spoken.
Oakland at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Washington
Jacksonville at Houston
Arizona at Detroit
Atlanta at Chicago
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at LAR
Carolina at San Francisco
Seattle at Green Bay
NYG at Dallas: OBJ is hobbled; Zeke plays but shouldn’t. Who said life was fair?
Monday Night
New Orleans at Minnesota
LAC at Denver
PS: I had another beer,
RO
AFC East
New England
Miami
Buffalo
New York
I like the Pats just fine. They play great football, are very well-coached and prepared (usually), and they get the most out of their players, often players that other teams let walk for nothing or almost nothing. However, it’s hard to really enjoy watching the Pats because their fans are such insufferable idiots. I remember when the Pats sucked and no one liked them. Stop pretending that you’ve loved them forever. And, as much as I hate Goodell, let it go. That story had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Brady won. The Pats won. YOU WON! It’s over. Move on, titheads.
I suppose I should thank Miami owner Stephen Ross. See, I used to be a Dolphins’ fan. Then Ross bought the team, and became obsessed with creating this culture that promoted celebrity, but didn’t care about actually making the team better. Thanks for making me see the light, that owners don’t give a shit about the fans or the game. Now I’m a free agent fan; I can root for or against anyone I want. Oh, and this was kind a big thing in my old column: Ndamakong Suh is a psychopath who likes hurting people. Had to say it.
My hatred of Buffalo goes all the way back to a mystical time we refer to as “the 90s.” The Bills had this QB, Rob Johnson. He was a useless pretty boy who the Bills saw fit to pay an ungodly amount of money for holding onto the ball too long, getting sacked a lot, and losing, when he wasn’t hurt. In ’98, scrappy midget/cereal magnate Doug Flutie took over a 1-3 Bills squad, after Gorgeous Rob got injured, and took them to the playoffs. Then in ’99, Flutie won 10 games and got Buffalo to the playoffs again. Wade “great defensive coordinator, lousy head coach” Phillips chose to start then-healthy Johnson over Flutie in the wild card game against Tennessee (to the bewilderment and chagrin of Bills’ players and fans alike). Buffalo had the game locked up, but poor clock management by Phillips, and a freaky trick play by the Titans (just Google “Music City Miracle,” kids) sent the Bills to defeat, and the Titans, eventually, to the Superb Owl. Buffalo hasn’t been back to the playoffs since. Call it “The Flutie Flakes Curse” (I’m all about curses today.). Here’s a news flash: no playoffs this year, either.
TV Networks pay millions, billions for the rights to broadcast pro football. League merchandise is ubiquitous to the extreme. Fans shell out top dollar to attend PRESEASON games. Say what you want, but this NFL thing is a pretty big deal to an awful lot of people. So it’s unacceptable to me that a team would essentially tank an entire season before it’s even begun. And make no mistake, that’s exactly what the New York Jets are doing this season. It’s disgraceful. The over/under on Jets wins for this season was 4.5. I bet the under.
AFC South
Tennessee
Houston
Jacksonville
Indianapolis
Tennessee’s too boring to hate. Better take care of that Mariota kid. He’s pretty good. Let’s not have a repeat of last year.
I was going to rant about JJ Watt being a shameless self-promoter/fame whore, but when you have that kind of reach, and you use it to raise a gazillion dollars to help the city where you play after a natural disaster, then no critic can touch you, and to hell with anyone that tries. Too bad Bill O’Brien is such a dummy, and the team is probably going nowhere because they have no QB.
OK, Jacksonville, stop trying to be the Browns. It might be time to cut bait on Bortles, and you sure as hell aren’t going to win with Chad Henne. Would it have killed you to give Kaepernick a looksee? Oh wait. Sorry. Wouldn’t want to give that old coot Coughlin a heart attack. Friggin’ old white dudes; amiright, Shad?
Being able to draft Andrew Luck is like winning the lottery. It’s not every season that a QB prospect this good even comes along. So it’s kind of disturbing to watch such a singular talent get systematically destroyed while playing for such shitty teams. Luck is a treasure, and the Colts are killing him. That’s what happens when you have a pill-popping, drunk, billionaire who obsesses about the Patriots for an owner.
AFC North
Pittsburgh
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Cleveland
This is a division with so much to hate, it rivals the NFC East.
I love all those articles I’ve read over the years from lickspittle so-called journalists about how Ben Roethlisberger has “matured.” Matured, meaning that he doesn’t force himself on drunk girls in bar bathrooms anymore. Hey, the dude wasn’t convicted of anything, but the league suspended him (the same league that spent millions testing footballs to railroad Tom Brady, for some reason, so they have resources), so I say, “Where there’s smoke… .”
Pittsburgh also still employs violent moron James Harrison, who’s adept at cheap shots against both opposing players and the occasional girlfriend. Speaking of which, one of those shitheel Rooneys (currently deceased, I believe) once remarked of a Harrison domestic assault, that because Harrison wanted to take his and his girlfriend’s child to be baptized, against the mother’s wishes, that Harrison was “doing a good thing,” or some such nonsense. Friggin’ Catholics; no wonder the players are such assholes.
John Harbaugh is a whining crybaby, who acts like a petulant child (“I’M TELLING!”) every time Bill Belichick gets the better of him. Remember Ray Rice punching his wife in the face. Rice told the team exactly what happened. Harbaugh supported him. Then the video surfaced, and Harbaugh’s suddenly all, like, “Oh my God! That’s terrible.” Hey, dumb-dumb; when he said he punched his wife in the face, what did you think he meant? Seriously, fuck that guy.
If your QB makes over 20 mil a year because he played well for the only time in his career right before his contract expired, and the moral authority you trot out to explain why Colin Kaepernick isn’t a good fit for the team is Ray Lewis, you’re the Baltimore Ravens.
The Bengals have had some great players over the past few years, some real quality individuals like AJ Green, Andy Dalton, and Geno Atkins, and they breathed some fresh air into a division that for too long was “Pittsburgh this and Baltimore that…,” and I loved that. Jesus, Cincinnati, what happened to you?
Oh wait, I know the answer to this one: Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown. I have a special hate for these two chuckleheads. Brown and Lewis consistently stock the team with idiots that they can’t/refuse to control, like Adam Jones, Vontaze Burfict, and the guy who fell off a truck that time. These guys have shown a maddening consistency in screwing up at the most critical times. Now, I’m afraid that the ship has sailed, and Cincy will be lucky to be a .500 team this year, and that’s on Brown and Lewis. Enjoy your new “superstar” Joe Mixon. Christ; how long before that douchenozzle punches a cheerleader? PS: Tyler Eifert apparently loves the national anthem and writing Pat Tillman’s name on his cleats in magic marker now. Cool. Hope you don’t get cheap-shotted by one of your own players there, Ty.
Cleveland is terrible, year after year after year. They’re always rebuilding, but never actually build anything. They consistently get high draft picks, but never get any better. If they do get a player who’s half-decent, he leaves (except for poor, misguided Joe Thomas). There’s an old saying, something along the lines of “If you can’t be attractive, at least try to have a good personality.” Hmmm…
So, anyway, here’s a funny story: I don’t follow college football, but I know who Art Briles is. He was the coach at Baylor, until a huge scandal was uncovered, the worst part being, in a three year period while Briles was coach, at least 52 rapes involving 31 different players, with evidence that Briles and members of his staff covered for players and interfered with investigations. Briles was fired. Recently, he was in the news after the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger Cats hired him. After the city of Hamilton (and the league) lost its collective shit, the job offer was rescinded. Anyway, do you know what Briles did this past summer? He was a paid offensive consultant to the Cleveland Browns. Coach Hue Jackson wanted to “pick his brain,” and “he’s a good guy,” and “that happened somewhere else,” and “who am I to judge,” and, no, seriously, Fuck You, Hue.
AFC West
Oakland
Kansas City
Denver
Los Angeles
Well, the countdown is on; pretty soon, the Raiders are moving to Vegas, baby. Kind of a dirty way to treat such a loyal fan base, especially now that the team seems to have found a good QB. It’ll be a dubious parting gift to bring in an unretired Beast Mode if he doesn’t have it any more. Fun fact: Remember Aldon Smith, former 49er, serial asshole? After the ‘niners got fed up with his bs and cut him in 2015 after yet another arrest, he was unemployed for a whole five weeks before the Raiders signed him. They managed to get nine games out of him before the league finally got around to suspending him. He hasn’t played a game since November of 2015. Can’t get his act together, can’t get reinstated. Still a Raider.
I covered KC already. Congrats on beating the Pats. I was right about Myra Kraft’s ghost getting Tyreek Hill, though.
Ever hear the expression, “Shooting yourself in the foot?” Hey, Aqib Talib: it’s just a euphemism. You shouldn’t actually do it. Congrats, Denver on hiring a new head coach. Bit a of a creep, though. Better keep him away from the cheerleaders, especially with it being a legal herb state. John Bowlen is a wife-beating drunk-driver (the coveted “double-hyphenate”). He’ll inherit the team someday. John Elway likes Trump, sugar cubes, and the occasional apple. Can’t win with no offence, especially when you get rid of the guy that coached your defence into championship form.
Ah, the Chargers, another team that shat on a loyal city’s fans. Phillip Rivers took time from siring children to commit something like 30 turnovers last year. Yeah, LA’s going to love the Chargers.
OK, let’s get through this week’s picks quickly; the sun’s coming up, and I should probably get some sleep (or have another beer).
Week One Picks
Winner in bold:
NYJ at Buffalo
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Tampa at Miami : Not happening. Nature has spoken.
Oakland at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Washington
Jacksonville at Houston
Arizona at Detroit
Atlanta at Chicago
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at LAR
Carolina at San Francisco
Seattle at Green Bay
NYG at Dallas: OBJ is hobbled; Zeke plays but shouldn’t. Who said life was fair?
Monday Night
New Orleans at Minnesota
LAC at Denver
PS: I had another beer,
RO
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