Week Four

Thursday Night

Chicago at Green Bay


I'll keep this short. And unsurprising.

Did the scrappy Bears beat Ben "Sleepless in Chicago" Roethlisberger (what a wanker) and the Steelers on Sunday? Yes.

Did the Packers barely escape with a win against the Bengals on Sunday? Yes again.

Am I, therefore, picking the Bears to upset the Pack at home? Don't be absurd.

Winner: Green Bay
​

Oh, and without getting into it too deeply, let me just say that I loved the protests at the games last weekend, for the simple reason that anything that anything that upsets a bunch of idiots that much is nothing less than amazing. I could say more, a lot more in fact, but I don't have time right now. Maybe in this weekend's picks column, if I can find the time.

Oh, and one more thing:How have I never seen Dale Hansen before? I love this guy! Watch this three minute video; if it doesn't make you want to applaud even just a little bit, then I don't know what to do with you:
​

​The Falcons are suffering from Superb Owl Hangover/are the class of the NFC.

The Jags are finally good/are as bad as ever.

The Packers are Superb Owl-bound/have the same old problems with defence and protecting Aaron Rodgers.

The Broncos have no offence/Trevor Siemian is legit.

The Giants are the best team in their division/are terrible and everyone hates them.

The Pats will win it all again/are in trouble/are just fine.

The Bears aren’t as bad as we thought/are one of the worst teams in the league.

The Texans’ defence will carry them to glory/botched the QB situation again and are hopeless.

The Seahawks are going back to the Superb Owl/their offence is so bad that the team is ready to implode.

The Lions are the real deal after beating two awful teams. The Bucs are Superb Owl contenders after beating one terrible team.

Welcome to the NFL journalism hyperbole machine, everyone, it seems, has it all figured out, and where dead-solid guarantees are made, discarded, and reimagined. And it’s only week three.
​

After being perfect on the early games last Sunday, the wheels fell off and I finished 10-6 for the week. Still, not bad, and pretty typical for a week two, when I'm still figuring things out.

​Week Three Picks

Winner in Bold

Sunday

Baltimore at Jacksonville (but not really, ‘cause it’s at Wembley)
Pittsburgh at Chicago
Tampa at Minnesota
Miami at NYJ
Atlanta at Detroit
Denver at Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina
Cleveland at Indianapolis
Houston at New England
NYG at Philadelphia
Seattle at Tennessee
Cincinnati at Green Bay
Kansas City at LAC
Oakland at Washington
 

Monday Night

​Dallas at Arizona

Week Three

Thursday Night

LAR at San Francisco
 

This will not be a good game. However, it might be an important one, with, believe it or not, playoff implications, for one team at least.

What do we know about these two teams? After two weeks, what is there to know? We’ve seen the Rams beat up on a weakling (Colts) and play sloppy and lose (Washington). The 49ers can’t score, and the fact that they were able to hang with Seattle last week says more about the Seahawks than it does about San Fran.

So, why is this game so important?

After two weeks, LA finds themselves with a 1-1 record, which, in the bastion of mediocrity (at best) that is the NFC West, that’s good enough for a three-way tie for first place. Arizona is going nowhere; with David Johnson gone and Carson Palmer looking pretty shot after two weeks, they’ll struggle to beat any decent team. If Seattle doesn’t get their act together—offensive line is a disaster, they’re banged-up, Eddie Lacy (just Eddie Lacy)—every win in this division will be precious.

Arizona is hosting Dallas this week. Seattle is travelling to Tennessee. In a division where only one team is going to the playoffs (mark my words), LA could very well find themselves with a one-game advantage in their quest for the playoffs, with an extra few days to get ready for their trip to Dallas in Week Four. All the Rams have to do to hold up their end is beat up on another weakling.

Will it be a good game? No. Will it be a close game? I’m saying, “Most likely not.” An important game, though? For the Rams it definitely is.

​Winner: LAR 

I wrote a great column for this week on Friday. While I was driving. In my head. Unfortunately, after what has been a hellish nightmare of a week, I have neither the time nor the energy to type and edit it. And so, alas, it shall remain forever unwritten and unread. You got off easy, Collinsworth.

I went 11-4 last week. Not bad for a week one, especially for me.

 
Week Two Picks

Winner in Bold

Sunday

Buffalo at Carolina
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
New England at New Orleans
Philadelphia at Kansas City
Chicago at Tampa
Arizona at Indianapolis
Cleveland at Baltimore
Tennessee at Jacksonville
NYJ at Oakland
Miami at LAC
Dallas at Denver
Washington at LAR
San Francisco at Seattle
Green Bay at Atlanta
 

​Monday

Detroit at NYG

This past Monday, I read (or heard, I’m not sure) in some recap of Week One that Houston Head Coach screwed up the QB choice for the second year in a row (I gather, referring to the Brock Osweiler fiasco last season). “Whoa,” I said to myself, “hang on there. Second?” My my, what short memories these experts have.
I dusted off this gem from one of my columns from October, 2015:
 
Bill O’Brien made the right call before the season started when he chose Brian Hoyer to be the Texans’ starting QB. However, after that he:

• Pulled Hoyer in his first start for Ryan Mallett
• Stuck with the terrible Mallet through 2 full starts
• Pulled Mallett in his third start
• Gave Mallett yet another start, only to pull him for Hoyer, who almost pulled off a comeback
• Went back to Hoyer for the team’s Week 6 game against the Jags

So, he wasted five weeks, only to end up back where he started.
 

The Texans started 1-4 that season, but made the playoffs thanks to Hoyer (19 TDs, 7 INTs in only 11 games, including just 9 starts), and with help from TJ Yates, who filled in when Hoyer got concussed late in the season, and Brandon Weeden, who filled in when Yates got hurt.

O’Brien bugs me. I’ve heard him called a “quarterback guru” by some experts. In 2015, with a very talented team, he almost sunk the season with his early QB waffling.

Which brings us to…
​
 







​Week Two

Thursday Night

Houston at Cincinnati

An embarrassingly lopsided home loss, featuring terrible offensive line play that made it seem as though the QB were under siege. That this statement could describe either the Texans or the Bengals makes me wonder two things: is this game even worth watching, and how do I pick a winner of a game between these two losers?

Both of these teams have, and have had, loads of talent, which has been wasted without proper coaching, guidance, and leadership. Last week in my AFC Preview, I outlined the problems with discipline that Marvin Lewis’s Cincy teams have had. The Bengals have no problems parting with quality players (and people) like Mohamed Sanu and Andrew Whitworth (Think Cincy could use a Pro-Bowler on the OL right now?), while bringing in the likes of Joe Mixon.

The Texans’ discipline problems seem to be more a matter of preparation, which is indicative of poor coaching. Here’s the rest of that 2015 excerpt about O’Brien that I included above:

"O’Brien might be the worst coach in the league. His total lack of leadership is reflected in the team’s unfocused play, in things such as the talented defence looking lost at times, and the team’s numerous penalties."

In last week’s loss to the Jags, Houston looked disorganized. Besides the problems on offence, the vaunted defence did little to keep the Texans in the game, and the team accumulated 94 yards in penalties. Same old O'Brien.

Based on one week, which, admittedly, isn’t much to go on, these teams seem to be pretty evenly-matched. When a pick is this tough, I look for any kind of small edge that one team or the other might have that will tip the balance. In doing a little research, I discovered that all three Houston TEs that were active for last week’s game will not play tonight; all three are injured, two are listed as “Out,” and the other has been placed on IR. As a result, the Texans signed a TE off their practice squad yesterday. In a tight contest, with the Texans breaking in a rookie QB making his first start, ball-control and the running game should be paramount. With only one TE available, and a practice squad player at that, plus with a sketchy OL, I question whether Houston will be able to run the ball effectively. True, the Bengals’ OL problems contributed to Andy Dalton’s opening day disaster, but Dalton’s experience, plus the plethora of offensive complements at his disposal, might help mitigate the OL’s deficiencies.

So, I’m taking the home team. Let’s see if Marvin Lewis has his charges prepared.

Winner: Cincinnati

One quick thought about Thursday Night’s KC/NE opener. Don’t let fair-weather pseudo fans play an integral part when you open your season, no matter how famous they are, particularly when you’re unveiling a championship banner. When Marky Mark was talking about the Pats great comeback in the Superb Owl, was I the only one yelling at the TV, “You weren’t even there! You gave up on the team and left!” You think Dumberg blamed his kid for the Pats losing? Whatever else bad happens to the Pats this season, call it “The Curse of Marky Mark.”

 
AFC East

New England
Miami
Buffalo
New York

I like the Pats just fine. They play great football, are very well-coached and prepared (usually), and they get the most out of their players, often players that other teams let walk for nothing or almost nothing. However, it’s hard to really enjoy watching the Pats because their fans are such insufferable idiots. I remember when the Pats sucked and no one liked them. Stop pretending that you’ve loved them forever. And, as much as I hate Goodell, let it go. That story had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Brady won. The Pats won. YOU WON! It’s over. Move on, titheads.

I suppose I should thank Miami owner Stephen Ross. See, I used to be a Dolphins’ fan. Then Ross bought the team, and became obsessed with creating this culture that promoted celebrity, but didn’t care about actually making the team better. Thanks for making me see the light, that owners don’t give a shit about the fans or the game. Now I’m a free agent fan; I can root for or against anyone I want. Oh, and this was kind a big thing in my old column: Ndamakong Suh is a psychopath who likes hurting people. Had to say it.

My hatred of Buffalo goes all the way back to a mystical time we refer to as “the 90s.” The Bills had this QB, Rob Johnson. He was a useless pretty boy who the Bills saw fit to pay an ungodly amount of money for holding onto the ball too long, getting sacked a lot, and losing, when he wasn’t hurt. In ’98, scrappy midget/cereal magnate Doug Flutie took over a 1-3 Bills squad, after Gorgeous Rob got injured, and took them to the playoffs. Then in ’99, Flutie won 10 games and got Buffalo to the playoffs again. Wade “great defensive coordinator, lousy head coach” Phillips chose to start then-healthy Johnson over Flutie in the wild card game against Tennessee (to the bewilderment and chagrin of Bills’ players and fans alike). Buffalo had the game locked up, but poor clock management by Phillips, and a freaky trick play by the Titans (just Google “Music City Miracle,” kids) sent the Bills to defeat, and the Titans, eventually, to the Superb Owl. Buffalo hasn’t been back to the playoffs since. Call it “The Flutie Flakes Curse” (I’m all about curses today.). Here’s a news flash: no playoffs this year, either.

TV Networks pay millions, billions for the rights to broadcast pro football. League merchandise is ubiquitous to the extreme. Fans shell out top dollar to attend PRESEASON games. Say what you want, but this NFL thing is a pretty big deal to an awful lot of people. So it’s unacceptable to me that a team would essentially tank an entire season before it’s even begun. And make no mistake, that’s exactly what the New York Jets are doing this season. It’s disgraceful. The over/under on Jets wins for this season was 4.5. I bet the under.

 
AFC South

Tennessee
Houston
Jacksonville
Indianapolis

Tennessee’s too boring to hate. Better take care of that Mariota kid. He’s pretty good. Let’s not have a repeat of last year.

I was going to rant about JJ Watt being a shameless self-promoter/fame whore, but when you have that kind of reach, and you use it to raise a gazillion dollars to help the city where you play after a natural disaster, then no critic can touch you, and to hell with anyone that tries. Too bad Bill O’Brien is such a dummy, and the team is probably going nowhere because they have no QB.

OK, Jacksonville, stop trying to be the Browns. It might be time to cut bait on Bortles, and you sure as hell aren’t going to win with Chad Henne. Would it have killed you to give Kaepernick a looksee? Oh wait. Sorry. Wouldn’t want to give that old coot Coughlin a heart attack. Friggin’ old white dudes; amiright, Shad?

Being able to draft Andrew Luck is like winning the lottery. It’s not every season that a QB prospect this good even comes along. So it’s kind of disturbing to watch such a singular talent get systematically destroyed while playing for such shitty teams. Luck is a treasure, and the Colts are killing him. That’s what happens when you have a pill-popping, drunk, billionaire who obsesses about the Patriots for an owner.

 
AFC North
 
Pittsburgh
Baltimore
Cincinnati
Cleveland

This is a division with so much to hate, it rivals the NFC East.

I love all those articles I’ve read over the years from lickspittle so-called journalists about how Ben Roethlisberger has “matured.” Matured, meaning that he doesn’t force himself on drunk girls in bar bathrooms anymore. Hey, the dude wasn’t convicted of anything, but the league suspended him (the same league that spent millions testing footballs to railroad Tom Brady, for some reason, so they have resources), so I say, “Where there’s smoke… .”

Pittsburgh also still employs violent moron James Harrison, who’s adept at cheap shots against both opposing players and the occasional girlfriend. Speaking of which, one of those shitheel Rooneys (currently deceased, I believe) once remarked of a Harrison domestic assault, that because Harrison wanted to take his and his girlfriend’s child to be baptized, against the mother’s wishes, that Harrison was “doing a good thing,” or some such nonsense. Friggin’ Catholics; no wonder the players are such assholes.

John Harbaugh is a whining crybaby, who acts like a petulant child (“I’M TELLING!”) every time Bill Belichick gets the better of him. Remember Ray Rice punching his wife in the face. Rice told the team exactly what happened. Harbaugh supported him. Then the video surfaced, and Harbaugh’s suddenly all, like, “Oh my God! That’s terrible.” Hey, dumb-dumb; when he said he punched his wife in the face, what did you think he meant? Seriously, fuck that guy.

If your QB makes over 20 mil a year because he played well for the only time in his career right before his contract expired, and the moral authority you trot out to explain why Colin Kaepernick isn’t a good fit for the team is Ray Lewis, you’re the Baltimore Ravens.

The Bengals have had some great players over the past few years, some real quality individuals like AJ Green, Andy Dalton, and Geno Atkins, and they breathed some fresh air into a division that for too long was “Pittsburgh this and Baltimore that…,” and I loved that. Jesus, Cincinnati, what happened to you?

Oh wait, I know the answer to this one: Marvin Lewis and Mike Brown. I have a special hate for these two chuckleheads. Brown and Lewis consistently stock the team with idiots that they can’t/refuse to control, like Adam Jones, Vontaze Burfict, and the guy who fell off a truck that time. These guys have shown a maddening consistency in screwing up at the most critical times. Now, I’m afraid that the ship has sailed, and Cincy will be lucky to be a .500 team this year, and that’s on Brown and Lewis. Enjoy your new “superstar” Joe Mixon. Christ; how long before that douchenozzle punches a cheerleader? PS: Tyler Eifert apparently loves the national anthem and writing Pat Tillman’s name on his cleats in magic marker now. Cool. Hope you don’t get cheap-shotted by one of your own players there, Ty.

Cleveland is terrible, year after year after year. They’re always rebuilding, but never actually build anything. They consistently get high draft picks, but never get any better. If they do get a player who’s half-decent, he leaves (except for poor, misguided Joe Thomas). There’s an old saying, something along the lines of “If you can’t be attractive, at least try to have a good personality.” Hmmm…

So, anyway, here’s a funny story: I don’t follow college football, but I know who Art Briles is. He was the coach at Baylor, until a huge scandal was uncovered, the worst part being, in a three year period while Briles was coach, at least 52 rapes involving 31 different players, with evidence that Briles and members of his staff covered for players and interfered with investigations. Briles was fired. Recently, he was in the news after the CFL’s Hamilton Tiger Cats hired him. After the city of Hamilton (and the league) lost its collective shit, the job offer was rescinded. Anyway, do you know what Briles did this past summer? He was a paid offensive consultant to the Cleveland Browns. Coach Hue Jackson wanted to “pick his brain,” and “he’s a good guy,” and “that happened somewhere else,” and “who am I to judge,” and, no, seriously, Fuck You, Hue.

 
AFC West

Oakland
Kansas City
Denver
Los Angeles

Well, the countdown is on; pretty soon, the Raiders are moving to Vegas, baby. Kind of a dirty way to treat such a loyal fan base, especially now that the team seems to have found a good QB. It’ll be a dubious parting gift to bring in an unretired Beast Mode if he doesn’t have it any more. Fun fact: Remember Aldon Smith, former 49er, serial asshole? After the ‘niners got fed up with his bs and cut him in 2015 after yet another arrest, he was unemployed for a whole five weeks before the Raiders signed him. They managed to get nine games out of him before the league finally got around to suspending him. He hasn’t played a game since November of 2015. Can’t get his act together, can’t get reinstated. Still a Raider.

I covered KC already. Congrats on beating the Pats. I was right about Myra Kraft’s ghost getting Tyreek Hill, though.

Ever hear the expression, “Shooting yourself in the foot?” Hey, Aqib Talib: it’s just a euphemism. You shouldn’t actually do it. Congrats, Denver on hiring a new head coach. Bit a of a creep, though. Better keep him away from the cheerleaders, especially with it being a legal herb state. John Bowlen is a wife-beating drunk-driver (the coveted “double-hyphenate”). He’ll inherit the team someday. John Elway likes Trump, sugar cubes, and the occasional apple. Can’t win with no offence, especially when you get rid of the guy that coached your defence into championship form.

Ah, the Chargers, another team that shat on a loyal city’s fans. Phillip Rivers took time from siring children to commit something like 30 turnovers last year. Yeah, LA’s going to love the Chargers.

 
OK, let’s get through this week’s picks quickly; the sun’s coming up, and I should probably get some sleep (or have another beer).

 Week One Picks

Winner in bold:

NYJ at Buffalo
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Tampa at Miami : Not happening. Nature has spoken.
Oakland at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Washington
Jacksonville at Houston
Arizona at Detroit
Atlanta at Chicago
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at LAR
Carolina at San Francisco
Seattle at Green Bay
NYG at Dallas: OBJ is hobbled; Zeke plays but shouldn’t. Who said life was fair?
 
Monday Night

New Orleans at Minnesota
LAC at Denver

PS: I had another beer,
RO

Let me start off with a little background information on myself.

For five years, I wrote a picks column for another website. It was very good, I was very good, I’ll leave it at that. If I’m being honest, things started to fall off around year four. Part of that was due to changes in my life that left me less time to watch football and write about it. However, the main reason I stopped writing is that I found it harder to enjoy football. Or, more to the point, I found myself hating the NFL.

Why?

Well, lots of reasons, actually. Mainly though, it was the league’s consistently shitty attitude towards violence against women, its hypocrisy in virtually all areas, from player discipline, to player health, to the way it promotes itself, and especially the dictatorial reign of Roger Goodell, epitomized by the so-called Deflategate case.

So, last year, I shelved the old column, and resolved to be just a fan again. I watched, but I had a more relaxed approach. It wasn’t that big a deal any more.

I did have one hope for the season, though. It was the biggest hope I think I’d ever hoped. In my mind, the only thing that would legitimize the season, the only just outcome, was for the New England Patriots to win the Superb Owl. It was the only way to exorcise the smelly demon that was Goodell’s ridiculous and inexplicable trashing of Brady.

So, before we proceed, let me state, categorically, unequivocally, that last season was the greatest season in the history of the league. And, more to the point, the Patriots’ historic comeback victory over the Atlanta Falcons was the greatest Superb Owl ever. EVER. And, even more to the point, the cascade of boos that rained down on Goodell as he spoke before presenting the Lombardi Trophy to Robert Kraft was nirvana. (Also, muscle-bound-former racist violent offender-ding dong Mark Wahlberg, Prince of the Massholes, getting caught leaving the big game early and blaming his kid was a nice bonus.) The whole season, right down to the perfect, storybook ending, was the perfect “f-you” to the NFL.

And I hate the NFL.

But I love watching the games.

So, I’ll keep rooting for the players I like, dreading the successes of the players and teams that I despise, and feel dirty for doing it.

But I’ll keep doing it.

I hate it. I love it. I love to hate/hate to love it.

I’m hate-watching the NFL.


So now, it’s on to the division picks. Teams will be listed in order of projected finish. Given the stated theme of the column, I might as well start off with the worst division in the league:


NFC East

Dallas
New York
Philadelphia
Washington
 
Not many divisions can boast three legitimate playoff contenders (I’d say three, at best). So, when I say “the worst division in the league,” I mean “It’s hard to choose which team to hate the most.”

Dallas is easy. This is a team that will employ and defend any piece of garbage that will help them win. I mean, do you think they turfed Greg Hardy because he was an unrepentant woman-beater? No. He’s gone because he didn’t produce on the field. Currently (or whenever all appeals are exhausted), they’re dealing with a suspension to star RB/serial woman abuser Ezekiel Elliot. They’ll defend him until the cow(boy)s come home, and welcome him back with open arms. In the meantime, they’ll be ok without him, because any decent NFL back should be able to run behind their impressive offensive line. Oh, and Dak Prescott won’t let them lose. They’re not going 13-3 again, but they’re good enough to win 10 or 11. Before I move on, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the head from which all the rest of the organization rots, megalomaniacal billionaire owner/GM Jerry Jones, also known as Chris Christie’s best bud.

And speaking of Christie, how about those Jersey Giants? Their owner, Next-in-line Mara, inherited the team. So, he’s basically Donald Trump. No, wait; Mara’s third-generation, so he’s basically Ivanka Trump. After the team re-signed kicker Josh Brown last year, despite having knowledge the he was a serial wife-beater, Mara and dickhead coach Ben McAdoo defended the move, only to end up having to eat crow later when the league stepped in. Their most exciting/annoying player gets alternately lauded and roasted by idiot fans and the local media for being a hotheaded, superstar talent with a personality, while their turnover-prone dolt of a QB mostly skates by unscathed by public opinion despite evidence that strongly suggests that he’s dirty thief, most likely due to the fact that he has two Superb Owl rings/is white. They have just enough talent on both sides of the ball to challenge Dallas for the division title, but will most likely end up in the thick of the wild card race.

Philadelphia. Do I have to elaborate? Worst fans ever; really, just pick a sport. It’s worth rooting against them just because their fans are so awful. Oh, and their starting QB, Carson Wentz, just loves killing animals. Anyone who gets that much pleasure out of killing another living thing has a screw loose. Watching someone like that is a threat to my very humanity, because the dark part of me hopes that he gets hurt, and I hate that about myself. Some say Wentz and the defence are good enough to get this team to the playoffs this year, but I haven’t seen enough good from him to be impressed yet.

Washington? Their name is a racial slur, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, and their scumbag owner is emphatic that the name will not change as long as it’s his team. Oh well, maybe after he dies. See, there’s always reason to hope.
 

NFC South

Atlanta
Carolina
Tampa
New Orleans

Oh Atlanta, I can’t say anything bad about you. If it weren’t for you folks doing a perfect job of doing everything wrong after going up 28-3 in the big game, I would have been denied my perfect ending to last season. Thank you. Thank you so much. Here’s another division title for you. You’re welcome.

Carolina looks good for a bounce back year, provided the defence is decent and Cam Newton doesn’t get his brains beaten in this year again. You know, it’s a shame about Newton. One of the single best talents in the league, great personality, and by most accounts a pretty good guy, but he gets shit on by the media for chintzy reasons like the way he dresses, or for having the audacity to complain about how officials allow him to get abused on the field with no repercussions. The struggle is real, folks.

All I can say about Tampa is that their starting QB is most likely a rapist. In fact, I doubt that there’s anyone out there who isn’t mentally defective/an asshole who truly believes that he isn’t a rapist. Root for that? Nope.

New Orleans? Well, I hate Drew Brees, the millionaire who goes on TV and stabs some defenceless animal to death to prove what a tough guy he is. And then there’s newly-acquired Adrian Peterson, who I have to thank for providing me with the final nudge I needed to get me to end my retirement and start writing about football again. A few days ago, I saw a quote from Peterson where he was talking about playing Minnesota in week one, and how he wanted to “stick it to them,” which, considering Peterson’s history with sticks, I took to mean that he wanted to whip their buttocks and testicles. You see, guys like AP make it easy to hate the NFL. Enjoy last place, Ain’ts.
 
 

NFC North

Green Bay
Minnesota
Detroit
Chicago

I’ve been accused in the past of having a man-crush on Aaron Rodgers because he’s just so darn fun to watch, but the reality is that playing for the horrible Mike McCarthy (and in a place where, let’s face it, what else is there besides worshipping the Packers and eating fatty foods) has retarded Rodgers so much that we might never know if he could have been a truly great quarterback, instead of the “playmaker” he’s devolved into, but no one wants to call him. I read an article recently that talked about how many quality plays Rodgers leaves on the field because he doesn’t see open receivers, mainly due to the fact that he spends half his time running for his life, and all of his time on this terribly-coached team. Yeah, Rodgers is a “Great QB,” but Cam Newton is a “Playmaker.”

Coach Mike “Left Eye” Zimmer should have his Vikings ready to challenge for the division title, provided they can score enough points with Sam Bradford at QB. Bradford’s like an even more cautious Alex Smith, but made out of porcelain. Minnesota got rid of child-abusing star Adrian Peterson, but, in case you were worried about starting to like the team, drafted puppy abuser/vandal/accused girl-puncher Dalvin Cook to fill the void.

Detroit backed into the playoffs last year, so naturally they made Matt Stafford the highest-paid QB in the league. Head Coach Jim Caldwell generally vacillates between looking confused or barely conscious on the sideline.

Chicago promises to be terrible this year. They’re paying a shit-ton of cash to the immortal Mike Glennon for doing the important job of being a placeholder at QB until prized draft pick/one-year college starter is ready to take over and lead the team to further mediocrity, or worse. These two might actually make Bears fans miss Jay Cutler.
 


NFC West

Seattle
Arizona
Los Angeles
San Francisco

This is a tough division to write about. I mean AZ, LA, and San Fran are so boring that there’s not much to hate. Just looking at the starting QBs for these three snoozers (Palmer, Goff, and Hoyer, respectively), the only exciting thing is wondering whether Carson Palmer will suffer a catastrophic injury/burst into flames at some point in the season.

The Cards might, and that’s a big might, make a run at the playoffs. The Rams have some good defensive talent, and newly-acquired defensive coordinator Wade Phillips always seems to get the most out of the talent at his disposal, but LA’s best player, Aaron Donald, is a holdout, and the offense is anemic to say the least. Erstwhile Falcons offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan was apparently so traumatized by Atlanta’s Superb Owl collapse that he became head coach of the ‘niners, where he won’t have to worry about pesky things like being involved in meaningful games.

In a division this boring, it’s a good thing we have Seattle. I mean, there’s enough to hate there for the whole division. From whiny, annoying cheater Pete Carroll, to goody-goody QB Russell Wilson, the nicest guy no one likes, to Richard Sherman, a good player who consistently gives himself far too much credit for Seattle’s top-notch secondary, even as said secondary falls apart whenever one of its talented Safeties is unavailable. Oh, and they’ve got a woman-beater on the team too (Google Frank Clark), so tick that box.

Seattle should take this division, provided Wilson doesn’t get killed playing behind the team’s putrid offensive line, and so long as the defence stays healthy and sticks to the Carroll maxim “if we hold on every single play, the officials couldn’t possible call them all,” which has served them well for years.


That's all for now. I'll post the AFC Preview and the rest of this week's picks this weekend when I have some time.

Later,
​RO

Welcome to the first Thursday Night Football game of the season, the unofficial-official (or is it official-unofficial?) opening day. And welcome to the first (after a year off) of (maybe) many more (if I feel like it) picks columns throughout the course of this season. This will be a column with a distinctive tone. You see, I love watching NFL football, but I hate the NFL. So, this will be a column with real, serious picks, and real, serious commentary on what’s hate-worthy about the NFL. And, let’s face it, there’s a lot to hate about the NFL, but there’s lots of time for that. For now, allow me to offer this special Thursday Night Pick as a sneak preview of what’s to come.
 
Thursday Night

Kansas City at New England

Fresh off the greatest season in NFL history and basking in the glow of winning the greatest Superb Owl ever played, the team with the greatest (but not the best) QB ever, coached by the greatest (and best) Head Coach ever takes the field in defense of its screw-the-NFL-and-especially-RogerGoodell fifth Superb Owl title, cheered on by tens-of-thousands of faithful Massholes (and honourary Massholes) in attendance, and under the beatific, protective gaze of the ghost of Myra Kraft (more on that later).

The Pats begin the season free of worry, save for losing their most productive receiver, and free of scandal, having jettisoned the drunk driver they briefly and misguidedly employed at the end of last season. The Pats are restocked, and reloaded, with some experts suggesting that last year’s champs have managed to get even better in the offseason. Time will tell. Let’s see how old fart Brady holds up during a full regular season; after Roger Goodell munificently gave Brady, then 39, the first four weeks off last year, the QB looked fresh as a daisy come playoff time. This year, the 40-year-old-version will have to endure 16 games to make it to the post-season tourney. Just don’t remind Pats fans of the last time their hero opened against KC.

And speaking of, how about those KCers? (Sorry, can’t use the other name. I’m much too evolved for that nonsense.) This is a good team with a good defence and a careful (and I mean REALLY CAREFUL) QB in Alex Smith. With a team like New England, careful won’t cut it. You can’t dance with the champs; you have to knock them out. And speaking of knockouts, we come to the biggest reason to hate the KCers, worse than the cultural insensitivity (arguably), and worse than their refusal to release Andy Reid back to the wild. In 2016, less than three-and-a-half years after KC player Jovan Belcher killed his girlfriend (in front of their infant child) and then himself, KC drafted one Tyreek Hill, who most experts projected would go undrafted due to the fact that he had been kicked off his university team for choking his pregnant girlfriend. Hill led KC in TDs last season, so he figures to be a prominent fixture on offence tonight. He’d better watch out, though.

See, once upon a time, back in an ancient time we call “The 90s,” the Patriots drafted a shitbag rapist. Myra Kraft, so the story goes, expressed her dismay to her husband, owner Robert Kraft, resulting in the shitbag rapist being released mere days after the draft (Note: Don’t despair for the unemployed shitbag rapist; the Giants happily picked him up.). Mrs. Kraft is now dearly departed, but her presence is still felt throughout the organization. I’ll be thinking about that every time Hill touches the ball tonight, as I struggle with the complex emotions of being entertained by a league that celebrates people who do terrible things, and by the secret, shameful thoughts of how I might feel if something horrible should befall that young man, who, truth be told, is roughly the same age as my daughters.

Final Score: New England, 31—Kansas City, a morally bankrupt 20
 
So, that’s your first taste. Check back in on Friday or Saturday for a full raft of season previews and the rest of this week’s picks.
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With a decided edge, of course.
--RO